A few days ago, I was talking to my Dad - you can always count on my Dad to get to the heart of the matter - and, deep into the conversation, he made the throwaway observation that I "take myself too seriously.  It's just life."

At the time that observation didn't make much of an impact on me, but as I've had time to sit with it, it's occurred to me that he is really, really right.  The last 7 or 8 years, I've felt this sense that I'm on a journey.  This journey has led me to do things like run marathons, climb mountains, lose weight, move around, date a lot, get another Masters degree, try to become a teacher, learn to rock climb, etc., etc.  All of which is great.  But a creeping trend has started to seep in around the edges: I don't really have as much fun as I used to.  It's not something that happened all of a sudden.  I never sat down and said "fun is bad".  It's just been an outgrowth of getting older, of spending a lot of time alone, and of generally finding that I mistrusted people more than I used to, combined with this sense, this drive that somehow I had to accomplish something, get something done.  I think it's made me grumpy, and I need to course correct away from it.  Not in a rictus smile "Mandatory Fun" kind of way, but just in a genuine, natural way.  For example, I used to play video games for fun.  Now I rarely do that, and when I do, I'm really type A about it.  I used to read murder mysteries, just for kicks.  I liked to eat and drink a lot.  I threw parties.  Now I go out and hike; which is great, and awesome.  But sometimes I just don't let my inner child out.  I used to do theater.  I even tried to learn to sing.  Now I don't even sing in the shower. 

I was reading this really interesting story in the New York Times today about psychology in China, and there was the following passage, about the oppression of people, but it resonated with me: "the pressure to succeed is enormously high. They hope that with success they can protect themselves from the arbitrariness of the rulers. They strive like this to avoid becoming helpless objects. Basically this obsession with success is a fearful way to live." [emphasis mine].  That's pretty deep right there. 

I tell this story to remind myself, but also as a cautionary tale to anyone else out there who, like me, might be headed into their late thirties and maybe has lost the drive to just be stupid, to go out and have a good time, to let loose and not take things as seriously.