Today I want to talk about food.  Specifically, my relationship to food.  I've always had a difficult time with food and with eating.  My weight, and my body image, is something I've struggled with for a long time, ever since I was a kid.  When I was in high school, I really struggled with that.  I remember that I used to buy XL size t-shirts because I really thought I was that big.  

As someone who wants to transition to a career in fitness and yoga, it's become increasingly important that I look the part.  And, one side of the equation works for me - I love to exercise.  I had this trip penciled in for a while as an experience that, in addition to all the other positives, would result in weight loss and in my improving my physical fitness.  But as the trip began, I realized that - to the credit of the organizers - there was so much food around!  And I was eating all of it.

I don't eat because I'm hungry.  In fact, I'm really very rarely hungry.  I know what being hungry feels like, of course.  I've been hungry in certain circumstances.  But usually, long before I get hungry, I eat because either I feel like I should because it's mealtime, or I eat because I'm bored, or because I'm anxious.  Now, mealtimes have largely gone out the window, but being bored and anxious are still issues.  We have a lot of time to kill sitting around, and being in a group setting like this makes me really nervous just in general.  So I eat.  I eat a lot.  Yesterday alone I ate a dozen chicken wings, 3 or 4 beers, half a box of cereal, about 4 pieces of bread with jam, a full lunch at a restaurant including a hamburger, several granola bar type things, a Chicago style hot dog, and most of a large milkshake.  And possibly other things I've forgotten.  So, yes, we're riding a lot, but still - you can't out-exercise a poor diet.  

Today, I tried an experiment.  I rode alone, which took away some anxiety.  And the riding was amazing, so I definitely wasn't bored.  And wouldn't you know it, I rode 75 miles and basically didn't eat anything.  As of 4 pm all I had to eat today was a few bites of cereal and two hostess cupcakes and some diet coke.  And I wasn't hungry.  I started to get hungry about 3, and by 4 I was genuinely hungry.  But not before.  I sometimes think that, if I only ate when I was hungry, my body would actually be quite skinny (maybe even too much so).

I'm not sure quite where to go with this yet.  The obvious conclusion is to not be bored or anxious - but I already knew that, of course.  It does add more weight to that goal, though.  

We'll see where the rest of the trip takes me.  I may spend more time riding on my own.