The Between Times - Chapter 8: Forgiveness (and Syria)

So, Syria.

There is a well-known saying about how sometimes a week’s worth of things happen in the world in ten years, and sometimes ten years’ worth happens in a week. Guess which one is happening right now?

The theme of forgiveness has been coming up a lot in life, and listening to all the talking heads discuss Syria, something that struck me was how many of them focused on whether the rebels, flush with their success, would try to exact retribution. In fact, the rebels have surprised everyone by very explicitly saying they would not do so, which has led a lot of commentators - with varying degrees of subtlety - to admit that they don’t quite believe them.

It’s interesting, isn’t it, that in a situation like this, we assume that others will not forgive? Yes, of course there are cultural western biases here at work, about people in the Middle East, about Islam - but I think, even were this a South American or even European country, we might immediately wonder about vengeance.

And, in wondering aloud about vengeance, the unspoken message hanging in the air was that peace, true peace, can only happen without vengeance. The seeking of retribution - whether it be called justice, revenge, closure, whatever you like - seems associated with a return to violence. And yet, of course, seeing the scenes of the Sendaya prison and the emaciated half-corpses that dragged themselves into the sunlight for the first time in 15 years, there is part of any right-thinking person that turns their thoughts towards some sort of punishment.

Now, I am not nearly so wise as to even pretend to know what the right answers are here and, fortunately, that is up to the Syrian people (or, at least, it should be). But it did cause me to think about what forgiveness means in my own life. There’s a whole blog post coming someday about game theory and governance and the way that punishment and rehabilitation becomes part of that, but for the moment, I’ll just say that I think a good start is to take whatever vengeance or closure you think you want and just shave 15-20% off the top. Human beings, as a rule, overcorrect. And something I’ve noticed about vengeance, and closure, is that the desire for them often (but not always) fades. I’m not, by the way, saying that revenge and justice and closure are always bad. I’m not sure that’s true. But I will say that it’s in our nature to way overdo it.

So, while I hope for justice for the Syrian people, what I hope most for them is freedom and happiness. May they, and us all, achieve it, and soon.

The Between Times - Chapter 7: The Paradox of Tolerance

For those who aren’t terribly social media savvy, there is a new app out there called Bluesky. It’s been variously described as the “new Twitter” or a “Twitter reboot” and while that isn’t 100% true, it will suffice as a basis for today’s blog post. This post isn’t about Bluesky per se (I may post one of those later), it’s more about the Paradox of Tolerance. As this new platform starts to pick up speed (it’s passed 21 million users at this point), one of the main conversations being had is the approach to free speech and moderation. Other than basic technical competence, this is in my opinion the number one hurdle facing social media platforms: what speech to allow, and what to forbid, and how. It reminds me somewhat of the challenge we face choosing roommates, or partners. There’s clearly a balance to be had: nobody except the most foolish of absolute idealogues advocates for complete free speech without restrictions, and similarly a platform with too draconian restrictions is just not a fun or ethical place to hang out. And to be clear, I don’t believe there are any right answers that can be easily expressed in a single sentence. The closest I’ve come is my guiding principle for all things: When in doubt, be kind.

But this is not strictly speaking about any of that either; it’s about the Paradox of Tolerance. The Paradox of Tolerance is a succinct problem we are all going to face over the next 4 years, and it goes like this: if we regard Tolerance as a virtue, then we find ourselves facing the question of what to do with Intolerance. For the sake of argument, let us say we can only Tolerate it or be Intolerant towards it. If we are Intolerant towards it, then we are, first and foremost, breaking our rule, and because of this, others can point to us and say that we are merely hypocrites. But if we are Tolerant towards it, then by the very nature of Intolerance, which stamps out dissent, we will eventually be overtaken by it.

In the context of social media, if we are Tolerant towards Intolerance, Intolerance will eventually dominate the conversation, but if we are Intolerant towards Tolerance, we risk becoming the very thing we disdain. There are many real-world approaches to this, the most common of which is the Tolerance Rules, or what I call the “Tolerance, But” plan. For example, we may say that we disallow Hate Speech. But this just really kicks the can down the road, ethically, because now we have to define Hate Speech. Clearly, it can’t just be any speech indicating that somebody hates something, or I wouldn’t be able to post that I don’t like TV shows about sparkle vampires. So, is it speech that hates a person? Well, then I can’t post that I hate Donald Trump. (And maybe I shouldn’t be able to, but that seems a bit draconian). Is it speech that hates groups of people? Hates people with specific intent to commit harm? We can construct counterargument scenarios for all of these.

I don’t have an answer here, by the way. There is no big reveal at the end of this post. But I do think that this is the essential challenge if we want to build a happy and tolerant society, and it mirrors the challenge of the penal system, of building our own relationships, having friends, etc.; how much tolerance is, well, too much tolerance? At one point are we just being taken advantage of and how do we know the difference?

When in doubt, be kind.

The Between Times - Chapter 6: He's My President?

Sometimes, on this blog, I show up with fully-formed opinions and ideas I want to communicate. But other times, like today, I come across something I’m not sure how I feel about, and I like to just open up the discussion publicly and put my preliminary thoughts down.

A YouTuber that I follow, who makes no bones about his feelings about Donald Trump in general, has recently been posting about the aftermath of the election, and has chosen to take what he calls an “eternal optimist” approach to the whole thing. He’s a channel I follow about the war in Ukraine, but he’s an American who used to serve in the Air Force, and his take on the situation is that while he still is fervently anti-Trump, he is hoping for the best and hoping that Trump will do the right thing for Ukraine because, in his words, “he’s our quarterback now and we’re in the third quarter”.

And I’m kind of torn on this approach. On the one hand, I am a fervent believer in confronting things as they are, and not as they should or could be. Donald Trump was legitimately elected president by people who knew what they were doing when they picked him, and I live in America as an American citizen, so in some sense it is entirely correct to say that he’s my president. He is. And I also do support optimism as a life strategy. I do hope he does the right thing, for Ukraine, and for transgendered folks, and for people who need healthcare, and everyone else.

However I also think sometimes optimism can turn into a denial of its own. The truth is that we have no reason to suppose that Trump will do the right thing for any of these groups of people. There is every reason to expect that this will be a dysfunctional, corrupt disaster. And, in this case, it is important to be prepared to resist dysfunction and unethical and immoral behavior as soon as it occurs, as forcefully as we can.

In addition, I’ve been struggling lately with this idea of me “being an American”. That’s worth its own blog post, but the fact is that I don’t feel ethically or morally responsible for the acts of a man I’ve never met, didn’t vote for, didn’t want, and don’t agree with or like. There isn’t much I could’ve done to keep him from being president, and what little I could do, I largely did. So in some sense he isn’t “my” president; I don’t feel any sense of ownership, and in fact I feel quite disenfranchised. (There’s an important conversation to be had about whether he really would be my president even if I had voted for him, but that’s for later).

So I don’t know how to feel about this. What do you think? Is this sentiment of “well, he’s what we’ve got, so I guess I’m rooting for him” a positive way to look at things? Is optimism ever unwarranted or unhelpful? What’s the right way to look at this?

The Between Times - Chapter 5: Maybe You Should Try Yoga

Yesterday I taught my first yoga class in over 3 years. In person, to actual humans, in a calm, comforting room in an actual yoga studio. Can you imagine? How 2019 of me!

It was everything you could imagine: terrifying, cathartic, calming, amazing.

Of course, most folks don’t need to become yoga instructors to engage with yoga or find a place on their mat. I’ve been doing yoga as a student for over 10 years now. It has, at various times, been a huge part of my life, but more recently I’ve let it slip. Which is fine: that’s how life goes, there’s a rhythm to everything. Luckily, however, about 3-4 months ago I decided to pick it back up and, while it’s been tough, it’s also been really rewarding. And I say “Luckily” because, well, it turns out that now I need that yoga. I need it bad.

We do things like eat well, do yoga, meditate, get sleep because they fill a meter. I’ll call it the “You Meter”. The You Meter is the reservoir of patience, calm and confidence that we need when things like the election happen. This period of time feels like the calm before the storm (to wear out a cliche). Now is the time to fill that meter, because I think we’re all going to need it soon. And the thing about the meter is that you can’t fill it when you need it. It isn’t like the gas tank in a car; it’s more like a house. When the wind and rain comes, you can’t build a house during the storm; you have to buckle down and hope that what you have can shield and support you. This includes building community, keeping on top of your personal fitness, avoiding drama, self-actualizing, etc., etc.

The exact structure of how that works for you isn’t nearly as important as that you listen to yourself and stick to things that make you fill your meter. Yoga isn’t for everyone and I get that, but there’s a list of activities that I would consider “nourishing”, including fitness, yoga, sports, meditation, eating well, sleeping, engaging in creative activities, building community, etc., etc. that broadly speaking fill the meter for most folks. I don’t necessarily include relaxation and entertainment in this list, although those can be fine too (TV, movies, video games). The idea is not to be judgy or picky about this, just to listen to yourself; your inner self knows what activities it needs, if you just listen.

So take a yoga class! Maybe even mine!

The Between Times - Chapter 4: Do Good Every Day

All of us will process what’s happening in the world in a different way, and that’s totally normal. A concept that I was recently introduced to, which has been working for me, is the idea of habit stacking. This is essentially doing a set of small tasks every day, ideally in order, which improve your life in some small but measurable way. For example, I have a reminder set to do squats every morning; I do 12 of them to improve my hamstring flexibility. I’ve got a reminder to do my Duolingo, to make my bed, etc., etc.

Recently, I added to that list a task to do something good for the world. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, in fact it’s better if it’s not, because the idea is for the process to feel sustainable. Most days, I’m just micro-donating to a cause I support. Today for example I gave $5 to United24, which is Ukraine’s governmental charity arm which takes donations from abroad and uses them for whatever purpose you indicate, such as Medical Aid. $5 is the amount I’ve chosen to donate daily because it’s meaningful but sustainable.

If you can’t afford to give actual cash or just don’t want to, there are other ways to help, such as picking up trash in your neighborhood, volunteering your time, making phone calls for a charity, etc. But I do find that simple monetary donations are convenient for a daily exercise.

Why do this? Because doing good consistently like this builds a reflexive habit of reaching out into the world and doing something useful. Repetitive donations like this build a “muscle” to think about others and they make us feel like we can do something to push back the tide of darkness.

The Between Times - Chapter 3: Hate Doesn't Work

If that title triggers you, read it again, carefully. Note that I didn’t say that you shouldn’t hate things. I personally think that’s a silly thing to say: we all hate stuff. People hate things, it’s one of the things our brains do. You’re going to have your own feelings, and feelings are valid. You can no more stop hating something than you can stop being sad or feeling grief. Plus, it would be the height of irony for you to hate your own hate. So, no: you will hate things.

Hating, however, doesn’t work. It isn’t productive. You might, if you know the quote, go first to Martin Luther King: “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that”. And he’s right, but I think he didn’t go far enough. What I would have said is “Hate cannot produce any positive results at all in anybody, including yourself”. Am I exaggerating? I actually don’t think I am.

Think about your own life. Imagine times where you really hated something, and then you actually tried to get something done out of that place of hate. Imagine a time when you started a conversation with someone you hate, and let that hate out into your voice. I won’t presume to guess how that went for you, but I will tell you how it’s gone for me: not well. It turns out - and there is science to back this up - that once somebody can tell that you hate them, you lose all ability to make any change in that person. The old saying about “talking to a brick wall” is entirely apt.

Now, you may counter by saying something like “we have to fight for what we believe in”, and I absolutely would agree. Acting in a way that produces change in ourselves and others for the common good is a noble pursuit. But doing it in a way that is doomed to failure would be like Quixote tilting at his windmills. In fact, I would argue that pursuing any change from a place of hate is not only useless but might, actually, if inartfully done, make the problem worse. Imagine letting loose a person who believes in the right to abortion and has a heart filled with hate about those who don’t, to knock on doors in a rich neighborhood. Do you think that person will convince anyone? Can you imagine that they might actually cause those they meet to retreat further into their opinions? I can.

So, we must allow ourselves to hate, but we cannot act out of that hate. If you hate Donald Trump, I feel your pain. If you hate all Republicans, or all men, or if right now you hate all people, my heart goes out to you. But if you walk into the world wearing that hate on your shoulder, and if you project it onto others, then absolutely nothing good will come of it. And I think it’s worth considering where that hate comes from and whether you really want to carry it around. After all, if, as I claim, it isn’t doing anyone else any good, then the only person left it could benefit is you. Does it? Do you feel better because you hate? Maybe you do; I’m not you.

We must work for change. We can be angry; we can be sad. We can be hopeful. We can work for change; we can insist on change. We can stand still in our beliefs and let the world do what it wants with us. We can sit, calmly, and refuse to indulge in misogyny, in racism, in nationalism. We can do all that with a fierceness and an insistence and a bravery. But once we act out of hate, we are wasting our time.

The Between Times - Chapter 2: Moving Past Denial

I’m glad he won by a lot. That might sound odd, but here’s the thing: it makes it easier to move past the Denial phase. Imagine, for the moment, that he won by just a thousand votes or so in Pennsylvania, or some such noise. There would be so many different suspicions, including on my part. Maybe it was Russia’s influence. Maybe it was fraud. Maybe we should have tried a little harder to make a few more phone calls.

I’m also glad he was such a jerk leading up to the final vote. I mean, he didn’t pull any punches. He didn’t try to pretend he wasn’t a populist kiss-up. He put his full, rambling persona out on display - and he won, and won by a safe margin. There’s going to be a lot of time, later, for thinking about the details of why this happened. But there are, as far as I’m aware, no credible accounts of voter fraud or anything nefarious.

No, the cold, hard truth is: this is what America, by which I mean the majority of Americans, wants. They want this man and his promises. They know him fully, and they want him anyway. Oh, sure, some of them may have more subtle rationales. Some might have held their nose and voted for the economy, or for abortion. But by and large, I don’t see any way around this conclusion: This is what Americans, at least most of them, want.

And I think, for us to make any meaningful progress, both as a country and in our personal lives, we have to first accept this. We do not have to like it, to be OK with it, to approve of it. We can be very, very angry about it. But that is different than being in denial about it. We have to look it right in the eye and say that on that day, November 5th, 2024, America approved of Donald Trump. 51 percent of the country, or whatever it winds up being, think this is our guy. We cannot work to change that, or even process it, until we fully and completely acknowledge it. No Russia. No vote fraud. Not because people don’t know who he is, or what he stands for; not because we didn’t knock on enough doors, or raise enough money. Not even because of Kamala Harris. No, Donald Trump is what they want.

They want it, they want him, completely and wholeheartedly. And until we fully acknowledge and accept that as reality, we can’t make it change.

The Between Times - Chapter 1: The First Stages of Grief

“Sañjaya said: Arjuna, having thus spoken on the battlefield, cast aside his bow and arrows and sat down on the chariot, his mind overwhelmed with grief.” - Baghvad Gita

I am reopening the blog, though perhaps not for the reason that I wish I was. This will be a difficult time, and I, for myself, need to feel connected to others. It’s too much to handle what’s about to come alone, and one of my goals has been - and will be even more so now - to build community around me. This blog is part of that; posting here makes me feel connection to others, even though I may never know who reads these words. But the thought that perhaps someday, some of these words might help others makes me feel just a little bit better.

Every religious text in the world talks to its disciples about grief. There’s going to be a lot of time to talk about different aspects of what just happened, and what’s about to happen, but before moving on to any of that there has to be some time for grief. I find it important not to wallow too long in grief - there’s a lot to do - but skipping too fast over grief never works. There’s kind of an “optimal amount” of grief, like bread rising in an oven. Too little and the bread will be flat; too much and it may cook alive. Knowing when to indulge and when to stop is one of those things they never teach you in school.

But whatever the right amount of time is, clearly I, personally, haven’t hit it yet. Grief is an odd emotion. It’s a feeling of loss, a desire for something that never existed, that can’t exist, that won’t exist. It’s a feeling about a future that isn’t going to happen, and so it’s hard to reason with. You can’t talk to the thing that doesn’t exist. You can’t wish it well. Sometimes we get to say goodbye, sometimes we don’t, but either way, I will never - or at least not for a long time - know what it’s like to have a president I trust, to have a country I love, to see what could have happened if we chose love, if we chose engagement, if we chose to move forward.

So, for the moment, there are no words. You can’t reason with guilt anymore than you can reason with yeast. They need time to eat up all the sugars and spit out their bubbles. The gas of the emotion has to travel, slowly, painfully through the dough, pushing it, spreading it. There is no shortcut, at least not one worth taking it. It is, at times, one of the least interesting parts of the process. Later, there will be lessons to learn, actions to take, words to write, speeches to give, but for now there is only a pit that swallows all light.

But one advantage of being well, older than I used to be is that I know this feeling is temporary. If I give it time, it will slow to a dull throb, and I’ll be able to think again. For now, it’s time to curl up into a little ball.

Please Vote For Kamala Harris

….sigh. OK, kids, listen up. 96.2% of the people who will read this already know me, and already know how I feel about politics. The other 3.8% either won’t read this, or might read it and get mad. In no way do I think that anything I say will convince anybody. But, I feel compelled to do this, because I don’t want to look back and say that I didn’t do what I could to help out my country, my friends, and myself.

And trust me: I don’t wanna do this. I enjoyed being a bit checked out of politics and quite frankly I’m looking forward to going back to that. I’m not, by nature, a political guy. But much like a man with a toothache, I suddenly care very much about dentistry. If you get my drift.

And let me talk to that 3.8% for a moment, in case any of them read this: Look: I get it. You might feel like the world is moving too fast. You might feel like the world you used to understand is under attack. You may feel that Kamala Harris is too weird, a poor public speaker, a flip-flop artist, a typical politician. You may have legitimate policy differences with her; perhaps you feel like the Democrats spend too much money, don’t care enough about families, are out of touch, represent the elite class. While I disagree with some or most of this, I think these are very legitimate things for adults to disagree about. And I wish this election was about any of that. I long to return to a world where politics is about things like taxes or tariffs or public school education.

But this election is not about that. Smarter minds than I have produced more eloquent descriptions of the moment we are in, but let me try my best. It is an interesting facet of history that we rarely recognize what’s important about the time we live in until it’s over. And it may be the case that those of us who are concerned about what’s happening right now are “overselling” it. Perhaps the threat is not so dire. Maybe we will look back in 30 years and just have a little chuckle about how worried we all were.

But can you afford to assume that? The thing about history is that sometimes momentous things are happening, and we rarely realize it until it’s too late. Do I think we are living in pre-1938 Germany? Do I actually think Donald Trump would take over and corrupt our political institutions, install himself as a sort of totalitarian despot, leverage the DOJ and the military to target his political enemies, remove competent autocrats and replace them with his cronies?

Well: I don’t know, for sure, of course. But I do know one thing: he wants to. If he doesn’t, it won’t be because he has respect for rule of law. It won’t be because he thinks democracy is a superior system, or because he cares about the common people. How do I know this? Because he says so. Listen to the man! Believe what he says! Understand when he talks about the “enemy within”, and about the “stolen election”, he is quite literally telling you what he believes. There is a saying: when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Donald Trump is friends with despots. He is a man who wishes he could just wave his hand and have people bring him women and wine. He likes power, and attention. This is a man who used to be a Democrat when it was expedient to be one. He has no center, no moral core. We all know people like this in our life; perhaps we’ve had bosses like this, or ex-husbands. He is a man who would sell his grandmother for a few ducats.

And so, his policy ideas, his political stances, his tax and tariff policies are irrelevant. He is a man with a loaded gun pointed at the center of our democracy. It does not matter the color of his suit or the content of his speech; until he drops the gun, the only response he will understand is force and strength.

Luckily, we have that strength: we do have democratic institutions, and for the moment, they are strong. The solution, such as it is, is simple: do not vote for Donald Trump. If you must vote for Republicans down the rest of the ticket, please vote your conscience. But at the top, it cannot be Trump. It cannot.

And if you are inclined to vote for Harris, then please: vote! Don’t sit this one out. It’s important. This is not a time to indulge in third parties, or in protest, or in esoteric philosophical arguments about whether the United States is the best way to run a country. The threat here is potentially existential. The house is on fire; it doesn’t matter what color the drapes are.

So, please: vote. Vote for Kamala Harris. I’d like to continue to live here.

Thanks.

Burning Man 2024

So, I went to Burning Man. It was amazing and awful, fantastic and terrifying, beautiful and scary. I wanted it to last forever and also could not wait to leave. I learned a lot about attending Burning Man, but I also learned a few things about myself. I had very low expectations going into it, which I think was wise. I "only" went for four days, from Wednesday to Sunday, which I think was wise for my first time. I definitely want to go back, although there are many things I would do differently.

Before I get into any of that, a big shout out to my two friends that helped me attend (they know who they are) and also to the team of guys that I ended up actually camping with.

So, without further ado, here are some things that I learned about Burning Man, and about myself. They're not in any particular order, though some of them are definitely more impactful than others.

I am, essentially, an extrovert. This was one of the biggest takeaways about myself that I learned at Burning Man. I have been living an introvert's life for the last 6-8 years. I kind of slipped into that for reasons that are likely too long to go into here, mostly trauma-related. But at Burning Man I had an epiphany: I am not drained by being around people, if those people are people that I trust. The problem, of course, is that I really don't trust most people and in fact they scare me a great deal. Because of this, I have been avoiding doing things that are "extrovert things". I have a job where I work from home. I'm single. I eat meals by myself at fast food restaurants. I live a life that would probably be perfect for someone who really is introverted. But I've felt very unfulfilled lately by many of these things, and now it makes sense. I can't avoid the pain of interacting with others and still be happy.

This one thing alone was worth the cost of going.

I'm not a Burning Man bus guy. My friend encouraged me to take the bus, and I totally get how it could be a great approach for certain folks, but there are some serious disadvantages, the biggest of which is that you can't bring very much stuff. I was tremendously unprepared logistically. I lacked shade. I lacked a good way to get my stuff around. I didn't have enough clothing, especially socks. Some of that is because I didn't know what I was doing, but some of it was because I didn't have the space. The second problem with the bus is that I really don't trust people, so having my travel arrangements be at the whim of others was really anxiety-producing. On the return trip especially, I had a hell of a time getting on the bus; I ended up doing this dance of me, my belongings and my bike which was really stressful. The Burning Man ethos of radical self-reliance makes situations like this, where you really could use a little bit of somebody's help, extra stressful. I think this ties in with the extrovert and not trusting people thing; a better fit for me would be a camp of people I like and trust that builds a community. That way I would have a support structure.

Climbing three flights of rickety stairs and then doing monkey bars up another 10 feet of scaffolding so you can get a view down on top of the Slut Olympics is pretty awesome and you can get some great footage of the, um, events that way. Thanks to Chloe for dragging me up there; it was awesome. And thanks for the things you said to me while we watched a guy named Minnesota and a woman named Ukraine air-fuck.

Speaking of Ukraine, I saw a *lot* of Ukrainian flags. I took pictures of a bunch of them, probably at least 7 or 8, and there were a number I missed. That's particularly interesting because I didn't see any Israel or Palestine flags, in fact very little political stuff at all. But lots of Ukrainian flags. Which is awesome. Slava Ukraini!

One night, I was out biking with Jorge and I was telling him about my idea for a camp called the Ankh Society (get it? the o and c are silent) which would be all about anxiety. I got the idea from having really bad anxiety myself and also seeing booths around about mental health related topics. He asked what I would do there and I told him I would have people there to talk to folks about their anxiety. He said "why don't you just have a booth where you give people anxiety?" and I said "why would I do that?" and he said "because Burning Man is mean" and then he laughed. And suddenly, it all clicked: *Burning Man is mean*. There’s a reason Burning Man is in the most inhospitable place you can find: Burning Man doesn't care if you're having a good time. Burning Man is not terribly interested in your problems. Burning Man does not want to listen to you talk about your anxiety. And in that moment, I felt a real release, a kind of freedom. My problems are not anybody else's responsibility but my own, and their problems are not mine! It's OK to just go out to the desert and enjoy yourself - or not, if that floats your boat - without necessarily caring about the intricacies of everybody around you. As somebody who is very empathic, and spent time with an overbearing mother, I learned as a trauma response to be hyper-sensitive to the moods of others around me. But Burning Man does not care about your mood.

I am more open to drugs than I thought I would be. I took at least two I've never taken before, and it was great, actually. But I have to remember to drink more water.

The dust really is everywhere, and yes it mixes with your sweat and makes a particularly noxious and weird-smelling thing that coats your socks and hair and is kind of gross but you know what? You get used to it pretty fast.

You can have a camp where you just hand out coffee, or have a kind of ersatz public library. It doesn't have to be about sex and it also doesn't have to be a big deal, and those were some of my favorite camps.

I really like hanging out with men. I camped with a bunch of guys that I barely knew, and hung out with a few other groups. I didn't chase women nor, to be fair, did they chase me, and that was totally fine with me. I don't hang out with enough men and enough guy groups; this is a thing I've known for a while, but it really clicked for me out on the desert.

The Man definitely Burns. It burns hard, and it burns fast. It's kind of impressive and tribal actually. I dig it. Spinning around and seeing the neon stretch around the edges of the city like the distant skyline of some futuristic dystopia while being lit by the glow of the fires of what looks like the gates of hell is just as rad as you might think it would be.

And now, in no particular order, a few other interesting thoughts and anecdotes:

At one point, I was trying to move ten gallons of water across the desert, and struggling, when a man sitting outside his RV said "Hey! You look like you could use an ice cream sandwich." It turns out I *could* use an ice cream sandwich. The man turned out to be Murray, a guy in maybe his early 60s, with a bit of a belly but not too far gone, and a wry twinkle in his eye, who was Canadian but of Ukrainian ancestry. We traded stories about traveling there. He told me about taking a train through Krakow only to wake up and realize that he was in the middle of a forest and he was on the only car left; all the others had been detached and were nowhere to be found. Would have made a great movie. Then he invited me back for pierogis on Saturday morning and of course, I went. He made the best damn pierogi outside of my grandmother for me and 5 other burners, complete with onions and bacon. We drank bottle after bottle of champagne. I told his girlfriend Trixie about my anxiety and she got very solemn and looked me dead in the eye and said "Well, you're a great conversationalist", and I probably would have married her if she asked. I don't know if I will ever see any of those people again, but I have Murray's number, and I hope I do.

The most famous musical act I saw there was probably my least favorite, which is some kind of lesson. I won't say who it was because I don't want to be negative. But I learned what a "DJ set" is. Anyway, Vintage Culture was really good, as were a bunch of other no-name DJs. But you don't go to Burning Man for the music.

Burning Man had a lot of challenges, but it also had a lot of validation. Some people were very nice to me when I least expected it, some were mean though they probably didn't mean to be. Sometimes I felt good, sometimes I felt overwhelmed. I learned that telling people up front about how anxious I was made things a lot better. I think sometimes I "look normal" or even look like I've got it under control, so I guess people are surprised find out that I am about 5 minutes away from a panic attack most of the time. Ironically, the more I leaned into the anxiety, the less I felt it. It was only when I denied it was happening that it got really bad.

I'm definitely going to go back. When I got back off the trip, I felt amazing. I felt a release and enthusiasm that I haven't felt for a while. That's particularly odd, because often the end of a big trip where I'm around people can be a very sad and depressing time for me. I think it's because my life is very much devoid of the people energy I need so much, and when I get that people energy for a while but then it gets removed, ,I get so sad. Maybe this time is different because I feel, instinctively, that I can bring the enthusiasm I feel for people back into my daily life. And for that alone, I dearly appreciate Burning Man for its influence on me, and I appreciate the people who made it happen, especially Jodi and Katie. I'm not going to claim that Burning Man changed my life or anything, but then, I also wouldn't not say that. If you know what I mean.

And with that, I look forward to next year.

Weekly Journaling

I have decided that I want to do 15 minutes of weekly journaling. I like the idea of spending a few minutes every week just thinking about my own thoughts and writing them down. It might sound silly but I really enjoy interacting with my little old Apple MacBook Air 11 inch, typing on these nice capsule keys, surrounded by some coffee and all the little stickers of the trip I took in 2014 or whenever that was (man, I can’t believe that was 10 years ago). So what am I thinking about this morning? I’m pondering the idea of relaxing. I started recently on a low dose of these SSRI medications, specifically one called LexPro, on the advice of my therapist. I thought it would be interesting just to see if it made any difference; I wasn’t feeling particularly depressed, but in a way I thought that would be a good time to try it, because then I would feel free to stop doing it if I wanted to without fear of reverting to some super-depressed state. So here I am, on LexPro, and the thing that is most obvious is that I have a lot more desire - and ability - all of a sudden to just rest. I’ve been taking naps on a couch that I put in the back yard, outdoors because the weather has been amazing - and usually I have a hard time napping during the day but because of the drugs it’s been easy to just lay there and listen to the birds and fall asleep. And so I’ve been thinking a lot about rest, and what rest means, and why we rest, both from a medical standpoint but also a philosophical one. I don’t really believe in God in a literal sense, but if the universe was designed all at once, I think it’s interesting that whoever built in included the idea of rest. If you think about it, there doesn’t seem to be any obvious reason why it would be neccessary. It’s not an evolutionary advantage; the last thing you want, when a lion is chasing you, or you’re hungry, is to also have to deal with falling asleep. But I think perhaps, if whoever designed the universe has a sense of aesthetics, it might be to introduce the idea of contrast. I’m fascinated by this idea that in music, to make something sound louder, you reduce the volume slowly in the lead up, so that by the time the “loud” part happens, it might not be that much louder than normal but it sounds louder because of the contrast. So maybe rest is the antipode to activity and adventures; the way to make them seem even more, well, adventurous.

I feel like personal adventures are coming up soon; I’m still not sure exactly what form they will take, but this period of rest I think is preparing me for them. And it’s interesting to think about people who, for whatever reason, are lacking rest. I think of course all the time about the poor folks in Ukraine, and the bombing, and the inability to slow down, and what it does to a person’s psyche. I feel that one thing it does is make anything good or fun or adventurous so much less so, because all you’re thinking to yourself is “this is nice, but what I really need is a nap!”

So I’m grateful today for naps in my backyard with the birds.

Visiting Denise - New Jersey/New York

I spent the last week or so visiting my half-sister Denise at her home in Summit, NJ. I also took a bit of a quick trip into the Big Apple just to fart around, and to visit Veselka, the Ukrainian restaurant there. Overall the trip was totally awesome and I’m really glad I went. Denise and her partner Jon were amazing hosts and they have a beautiful home, a huge mansion that they’ve got totally decked out with pool table, shuffleboard, outdoor fire pit, pool, etc., etc. plus an awesome guest quarters with a killer comfy bed and a really nice shower. So it was a really relaxing time. I didn’t get to do too much bike riding, mostly because I was just exhausted and recovering. But I did take one nice little jaunt about 15 miles round-trip to Irvington. Some random thoughts here, in particular order:

• New Jersey, unsurprisingly, is really nice and pretty, especially the very upscale area of Summit that they live in. Garden state, indeed.

• The weather totally rocked. I really miss the Upstate New York/New Jersey weather and it reminded me how important weather is to my happiness because I roasted my butt off down in Florida. I’m glad Oakland weather is so good as well.

• Denise is awesome, and so is her son (my half-nephew) Owen. Good people.

• Denise has an assistant, and that totally blew my mind. I need an assistant.

• New Jersey needs more bike paths.

• There is an amaaaaazing diner in Summit, the Summit Diner. Perfect old school diner.

Now, some thoughts about my quick trip to New York City:

• It’s a lot cleaner than it was 15 years ago, and it smells better

• The bike infrastructure is much improved

• The 9/11 memorial is pretty cool, at least the outdoors parts. The “well into nothingness” really captures the emotional mood of that moment and that place, like a portal into nothing. As we were standing there I looked up and tried to think about seeing a jetliner crashing into the (new) tower and it’s hard to even fathom.

• Veselka (the Ukrainian restaurant) totally delivered. I bought some souvenirs and soaked in the atmosphere. The Borscht was legit and the server was very Ukrainian. Plus they make their own pilsner and it was really good.

• I found my old apartment but couldn’t find my old office. Oh well.

• I got the street meat, with the white and red sauce, and it was like I was back 15 years ago, as if no time had passed. Weird feeling.

• The New Jersey transit train to Summit….not so great. Only one train an hour and the return train was canceled on me. Denise and Jon had to pick me up in Seacaucus

Catching up with Denise about things; about Dad, about life, about dating, was amazing and I really can’t wait to go and visit again!

Florida Bike Trip Day 9 - Marathon, FL

The second-to-last day of a trip is always the best day, and this was no exception. We tied one on at the Dockside Boot; we showed up around 4 for a 4-7 pm happy hour which involved Painkillers and $7 for a dozen wings. There was a rather terrible professional karaoke guy entertaining us as we sat on a dock next to the water, followed by a Ukelele cover band that tried to play 80s and 90s hits on what was objectively the wrong instrument. We talked, we laughed, it was great. I wish every day was like that, even though I understand why it can’t be. There’s something magical about the second-to-last day; everyone has gone into full vacation mode and we are all comfortable with each other, but we’re not yet thinking about home and our responsibilities.

The riding was fine; hot; the rain has finally stopped. I rode with Rob and he got 3 - count ‘em, 3 - flats until finally I had to leave him behind because I had snorkeling tickets. Then I went snorkeling with Carla and Jim, we went out to a reef and saw a ton of multi-colored tropical fish including Blue Tangs and lots of other iridescent and crazy looking fish. It’s so fun to just watch them move around in schools. I got way too much sun, but I got to chat with Carla and sit on a boat. So all in all a great day.

Florida Bike Trip Day 10 - Key West, FL

Last day blog posts always serve as an interesting bookend to the trip. The riding today was challenging; we started out with what’s called the Seven Mile Bridge, coming out of Marathon, which was long and windy with a headwind. After that things evened out a bit, but it still was a long, hot day. From long experience I’ve learned that it’s never about the destination with these trips, and this was no exception; I’ve learned not to expect any big celebration or anything at the end because everyone is tired and just wants to get on with things. The night before last is always the big celebration. We finished at a nice enough park and waited for the rest of the team to come in and watched some police officers play Bocce in the heat. Then we headed over to a Pier to do donuts around the southernmost point, then off to the church, where we all split up. I ended up having a nice dinner though with Carla, Paul, Jacob and Dan, and then off to have a drink with Sully. It was nice getting to meet and get to know Megan, one of our “brand new” riders. Rob jetted off to go home, he was itching to get going. I smell really bad but I once again had a great trip.

Oh, and we got to swim in the ocean down at Taylor State park, finally! The water was great, if a bit rocky. And, randomly, Foreigner was playing - what a fate for them to be playing in Key West to a bunch of middle aged folks.

These “in between” days can be a bit challenging mentally because it’s a bit sad to lose this new community and go back to being (at least temporarily) alone. I get used to being alone, and it’s fine, but it’s great to have new and old friends around for a while!

Key West is exactly what I imagine - like a really hot plantation. Today I’ll swing by and see the Hemmingway museum before flying out to see my sister. Happy to be here but ready to move on to what’s next.

Florida Bike Trip Day 8 - Tavernier, FL

A great day. 60 miles of riding in the heat and sun, getting in as early as 1pm. The first 20 miles or so was on a Miami Busway, which was basically a completely flat and straight road with no cars allowed, only buses; other than the stop lights there was nothing to impede our progress. Then after that was another 20 miles to Key Largo on the straightest and flattest highway ever. So basically the riding was easy but also a bit, as Rob would say, “tedious”. Sully drove over a knife blade and destroyed Tomorrow is only 39 miles, so several of us (Carla, Dan, Richard, Paul and I) took Ubers down to a beach and public park where they also had food carts and several 80s cover bands who entertained us for hours. I got to “swim” in some very warm and very shallow water. Apparently there are few if any natural beaches here because of the coral reefs and the few beaches that exist are largely private. We ate some donuts and talked to some locals and played some dice. There was also fish sandwiches with Rob at Captain Craig’s across the street from the church, and a shuttle to a local gym for amazing showers. Today really felt like a genuine Bike the US for MS day.
http://www.biketheusforms.org

https://www.biketheusforms.org/our-routes/

https://www.biketheusforms.org/ms-bike-ride-florida/

Florida Bike Trip Day 7- South Miami Beach, FL

So many great things about today: a great time with Rob, Sully and John, hanging out at the Daleland Mall, at an American eatery, then a cigar bar, then an Indian restaurant, talking aout plans for the future of the organization and just life in general. It’s been fun getting to know Rob and listen to him talk about his work and his wife and all of his various life journeys. We are once again in a very nice church, lying in between the pews with air conditioning and power outlets. Only 3 days more until I fly out to see my sister!

Today was the third day in a row with rain; at one point we had a good old-fashioned Florida deluge that drowned us in water. Various parts of my body including my private parts are very sore from being immersed in water and then worked; there’s a lot of chafing going on, which is a real mental challenge. But I’m still having a great time.

Today we rode straight through downtown Miami, and it was crazy! I can’t believe how big the apartment complexes and office buildings are in Miami; I was prepared for it but still wasn’t prepared for it. We had horrendous traffic to weave back and forth through, and at one point I lost my rear bike light/radar device, which is sad but oh well. It was still a great day of riding even if the last 15 miles or so was definitely on the struggle bus. There’s learning there as well.

We also rode through Hollywood Beach Boardwalk, north of the city, which was fun and reminded me of San Diego or the beaches of LA; lots of restaurants right across from white sand beaches. We also rode past Trump Hollywood (lol).

Florida Bike Trip Day 6 - Boca Raton, FL

Another great day of cycling. I was on the struggle bus today; everything is starting to hurt, whether that’s because I’m 46 now or just out of shape; feet are swelling, lungs are tired. Back feels good though. We rode through the wealth areas of Palm Beach, but it rained almost all day, at times quite hard, so we really didn’t see much, and what we did see was hard to take a picture of. We actually rode right past Mar-A-Lago; you could tell because there were several camerapersons stationed on the bike path with their cameras pointing at it, to get B-roll, or in case the place exploded or something. You also could tell because there were several Secret Service stands set up to oversee the property; interestingly, they are quite clearly labeled with no attempt to hide them. I would have taken pictures but, again, it was raining pretty hard, which I’m going to choose to see as a good omen.

I got super hungry near the end of the ride; there was nowhere to eat, only luxury mansions. I would have gladly consumed a manicured lawn if I could. Eventually I found a Publix and had a sub (if you know, you know).

Another great day; wish I could’ve gotten more pictures, but it made the riding easier, and now I get to sit here and listen to the rain hitting the roof of this beautiful church.

Florida Bike Trip Day 5 - Stuart, FL

Hot. Sun. Tired. Biking. Rest stops. Water. Stopping at a firestation to fill up from a spigot. Stopping off at the shore to take a dip in the water at mile 65. Hanging with friends until I couldn’t hang with them anymore. I’ve learned so many lessons from Bike the US for MS: Teams are amazing and can boost you when you feel like you can’t do it, but then also you’ve gotta know when to peace out and go your own way. Always eat mint chocolate chip ice cream if given half a chance. Make friends. Enjoy the moment. Sleep in churches. Blog every day. You can do more than you think you can. America is enormous. Sunlight reflects off of tarmac and you can get a burn on your face anyway. Change your brake pads. Thank people who make you bacon and pancakes. Eat an extra pancake. Carry a banana. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s almost all small stuff.

Still hoping to see Jamie tomorrow in Boca Raton, hope that works out. Looking forward to the future, but today I will sign off from the lawn outside a church in Stuart, FL; as every, your nomad cyclist.

http://www.biketheusforms.org

https://www.biketheusforms.org/our-routes/

https://www.biketheusforms.org/ms-bike-ride-florida/

Florida Bike Trip Day 4 - Indiatlantic, FL

Today’s ride was great, but somewhat uneventful; not surprising given that Florida is so flat and pleasant. I think what I want to focus on today is the generosity of the community that I belong to. Tonight we are staying in the house of an alumnus; and what a house it is! Beautiful, huge, right on the river; I got to swim off their private pier. But what’s amazing is that they are putting all 15 or so of us up in their house, free of charge, and making us dinner and breakfast and letting us use all their facilities. And it really makes me think about life goals and what’s important in life. Having a fancy house is nice, but using it for the benefit of a community is really the sweetest part. I want to own things, but only inasmuch as I use them for the service of others. It’s a small thing, but I rent out my basement for a very low price on AirBNB, and although I do make money, I look at it more as a community service. I get a lot of folks who for whatever reason don’t have anywhere else to go, and it makes me feel good to give them a place to live for at least a couple of nights. I want to get more into volunteering my time and my belongings in service of others.

On a biking note, it’s been awesome riding with Rob Morris, even if he does cheat by having an e-bike. Just kidding, Rob. Maybe. The weather was amazing, my cold is dying off, and everything is going swimmingly.

I was supposed to see Jamie today but she is not feeling well so we will hang out tomorrow. In the meantime, hello from sunny Florida!

http://www.biketheusforms.org

https://www.biketheusforms.org/our-routes/

https://www.biketheusforms.org/ms-bike-ride-florida/

Florida Bike Trip Day 3 - New Smyrna Beach, FL

As I sit in this hotel room helpfully provided by my friend Rob, listening to motorcylces rev their engines outside and two people have a loud conversation while I sit on this hard mattress, I think two thoughts: Why am I doing this? And, I wouldn’t have it any other way! I realize those are mutually contradictory thoughts but such is the nature of being human.

Today started out relatively boring, we knew we were going to be in for another 65 miles of flat riding. Breakfast was tasty: fried fish and cheese grits (I don’t think I’m in California anymore) served by a woman whose tan had a tan. But then, it started raining. And it kept raining for over 40 miles. It still wound up being a great day though; dinner was a nice little full course spread of soup, salad, dinner rolls and some fried fish, and we rode through a lot of small towns with Trump flags.

It is, apparently, bike week in Daytona Beach - the big one, the big bike week. So they are out in force. We are staying just on the south side of Daytona, so we rode right through it today. We felt so welcome - everyone had “Bikers Welcome” sings (haha).

It’s been fun to ride with Rob and get to know each other a little better. I am headed next week up to Summit, NJ to meet my sister and it turns out he lives only half an hour from there so I may swing by and say hi! We talked a lot about life. It helped to talk with another guy.

Anyway, that’s all from the road, coming to you live from the crappiest hotel in New Smyrna Beach, FL!