Depression is something I've struggled my whole life with. It's something I am not alone in struggling with, of course; I had a conversation just today with a good friend about a depression-related issue. One of the interesting and defining characteristics of my ride 2 years ago, though, was that I really never felt depressed. I mean, I got sad during that trip for sure; I remember pulling off to the side of the road beneath a big tree and just crying my eyes out for 30 minutes. But that felt like a release, not like anxiety or being trapped.
So I was sad, and a little surprised, to find that today I was depressed. I wondered what was different about this trip. Fortunately, because I've put time in on self-understanding, I figured it out quickly: it's the presence of other people, the struggle to fit in to a social group. I suddenly realized I was worried about every little thing. Will people think it's weird if I only brush my teeth at night? Should I go hang out with this person, or that other one? Why does everyone get up so early? Why doesn't anyone seem to like my Facebook posts? Am I a loser because I couldn't get enough donations? Etc., etc. My mind was occupied with this. The blissful thing about that trip in 2014 was that I was absolutely, totally, 100% myself.
And so I made a commitment to myself: this trip is for me. I'm going to do what I want, when I want, and be myself. Not in an aggressive way, or to be difficult, but just to reassert that feeling of self-worth.
Also, Troutville is a hiking town, and that's really cool. And fire departments are awesome people.
