So, my brother has cancer. I’ve known that for about a month now, but this is the first time he’s talked about it publicly, and I wanted him to control when people knew about it, of course. I remember when I first heard about it. I was sitting at my desk here in Oceanside, wrapped up in issues related to my job and other things, when I saw the email from my Dad. To say it was unexpected is the biggest understatement ever; Jason is healthy and only 37. It was weird; I entered this kind of trance. I think people call it disassociation. Remember that at the time we had no idea what was coming. In a sense we still don’t of course, but we do know a lot more now. But that word, “lymphoma”, I connected it right away with losing my brother forever. I remember being shaky and feeling like I just didn’t know what to do with my hands.
Anyway, now we know more. It’s a kind of lymphoma that - while still awful and definitely a big deal - likely won’t be fatal. And in the process of dealing with it, a number of - surprisingly positive - things have floated to the surface.
First, I think the Universe is teaching me, once again, not to panic and indulge in anxiety. Five years ago, if this had happened, I would have just absolutely freaked the fuck out (excuse my language). I would’ve turned into a giant mess, and caused a problem for my brother, my parents, etc. Oh - believe me - I was freaking out some on the inside. And yes, I got a therapist. But still - so much better. Yoga and meditation work, kids. They really work.
It’s weird how something like this can be hard for people that have to watch, not just those who have to go through it. Of course that’s a silly thing to say: he has to go through awful chemo and surgery and all I have to do is get a little bit anxious. But what he has that I don’t is a sense of agency. There is, quite literally, nothing I can do about this, except just be cool and let the Universe sort it out. Which is not my strong suit. When I was a kid, I hated waiting for things, especially when I didn’t know what was happening. One of the best modern inventions is that Google Maps thing that tells you how long you’ll be in a traffic jam. So nice to at least know. But here, I can’t know, and I can’t do; all I can do is sit.
It might sound like a cliche, but there’s also just that standard thing: you never know. So you gotta live for today. You gotta grab that brass ring. The time to be happy is now, not later.
Overall, it’s hard not to see this as a good thing in some ways. I got a therapist, I got some perspective, I feel like it brought our family somewhat closer together, and these are all good. My brother is a very private person and it’s going to be challenging to do this because cancer is, in some ways, such a public thing. But he will make it, and he’ll be even better on the other side.
So, good luck, J!