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2017 - T Minus One Day - Boston, MA

Tomorrow I will ride to Newton, MA and pick up the Bike the US for MS van which will take us to Bar Harbor, Maine.  Tomorrow is just a travel day, and tomorrow night I'll stay somewhere in Bar Harbor.  The next day is our "zero day"; the official start of the trip, even though we won't get on our bicycles yet.  Then we go!  First day, 68 miles!

Today we flew in to Boston, MA.  I'm going to say goodbye to Diana here as she starts her own journey.  We had a late coffee and early dinner with Emily, a good friend of mine that "friends of this blog" may recognize from 2014 when I traveled through Oregon and met her on her motorcycle.  I love reconnecting with old friends, and Emily is great.  But now she is on fire (literally, apparently).  Today was really rainy and grey and dreary, but that's OK because we weren't in the mood to do much of anything anyway!

Oh, and the "meeting of people" has already begun!  We met a great Italian restaurant owner at the place we had dinner, Ristorante Saraceno.  He was classic Boston Italian, and gave us at least 4 recipes during the course of the meal, along with advice with how thin to make our pizza dough (hint: not too thin that it burns).  I love travelling and meeting new folks.  Onward!

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2017 - T Minus 2 Days!

Here we go!  Each of these bike trips has felt so different than the others, but all of them share this amazing sense that who knows what the heck is going to happen.  As always, I'll be tracking my ride on this blog, blogging every day (or almost every day) with how far we've gone, what I saw that day, and pictures, pictures and more pictures!  Just a reminder that I have all my past blog posts up at www.adamhunter.net/blog_posts.html.  Also, I run an instagram account called calmofinfinity.  There should be a ton of pictures up there this year; I've sworn I'll keep it updated.  Also, big thanks to anyone who has donated already.  If you can spare it, it's a very worthwhile cause.  Please donate at http://www.biketheusforms.org/cyclists/detail.asp?cid=1125.  

Yesterday we went out to a 5 star spa at the Encore.  It was amazing; I posted a few pictures below.  The contrast was really amazing; here I was being pampered in this luxury, when in a few days I'll be sleeping on the ground in (potentially) the cold and rain.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  I've always lived in two worlds, and never has it been more apparent to me than now.  Life has taken so many strange twists and turns, but I've never felt more positive and at peace about my life than lately.  Which is not to say that everything is perfect, far from it, but rather that I feel confident than I can handle things.  Each of these trips has held a very different place in my life and in my heart.  Three years ago I was desperately searching for something.  Last year on the TransAm I wanted friends and community so bad it hurt.  Then on the Pacific Coast I was after a sense of belonging, of selfhood, of an ability to be in control.  This year, this trip almost feels like a victory lap of sorts.  I know there are many challenges ahead but this trip doesn't feel like a journey towards or away from anything but rather just a lull.  A very eventful lull I'm sure, but it's interesting that I don't have any particularly obvious goal this time around.  I'm just open to whatever comes, and to seeing old friends, maybe making a couple of new ones.

Please donate if you can, but even if you can't, follow my ride!  I assure you it won't be boring.  :)

 

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2017 - Leaving Oceanside

Today is my last full day in Oceanside, at least at the place I live now.  There are a lot of feelings/ideas/thoughts associated anytime I move.  Today is a very positive day; this is a good move and I'm looking forward to where I'm headed next, namely another amazing bike ride.  I hope never to take for granted the fact that I can just do this astounding thing of riding through America with friends. 

One thought I wanted to record - as much for myself as anyone - is a realization that Oceanside has helped me come to: that life is not about the pursuit of paradise.  In a very physical sense, Oceanside and Portland where I came from) couldn't be more different.  This place - especially today - is a tiny slice of paradise: perfect weather, palm trees, rolling waves.  And yet, in some ways I was happier in Portland.  The weather made me miserable, yes, let's not discount that.  But what really matters to me, it turns out, is friendships, community, and a meaning, a worthwhile thing or set of things to work towards.  Portland provided me with a structure, through climbing, hiking and mountaineering, to achieve things: I became a college professor, taught SAT prep, learned to climb mountains, etc.  So yes, the weather was awful, but the *humanity* was better.  We'll have to see if I can find both at once. 

 

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2017 - Henderson, NV - We Found The Sheep

The sheep!  They're really there!  The whole universe seems like so much more of a happy and well-adjusted place now.  I take back every bad thing I said about Hemenway Park.  I impugned your good character.  And not just one or two sheep - a whole flock!  Like, 30 sheep.  And they were really really cool.  One of them walked right up within 5 feet of us.  He was totally happy to just be around people - not dependent on us, not scared of us, just chilling out eating some grass.  Ahh, life.  I should say hi to Mark and his gf Amy - so awesome to hang out with you guys, and so weird to see Mark somewhere other than Austin!  We had an awesome time hiking around the canyon and walking out over the Hoover Dam, not to mention Armenian Shish Kabob.   

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2017 - Manhattan, New York, NY

While it's still fresh in my mind, the details of my trip to New York, as told from the departure lounge of Terminal 4 at JFK.  First of all, I'm very happy that I made the trip.  It was just as great to see my coworkers as I thought it would be.  I'd be working with these folks for 9 months now and it was just very nice to put faces to names and Skype pictures.  And for those I'd worked with before, it was weirdly like no time had passed at all, even though it's been 10 years.  The longer I live the more I value consistency; consistent friends, professional contacts.  Speaking of which, I got to see Bob, which was great.  We keep bumping into each other in random places.  New York has basically not changed at all.  We went down to Burp Castle on St. Mark's Place and it's like I was just there yesterday.  A few things are different; the beer list is smaller.  But the tables are still the same, wedged in to a tiny spot between a shaky fence and the sidewalk, and they still shush you if you talk too loudly.  New York is a weird study in contrasts; the bright green of new tree growth, colored by spring, surrounded by huge tall brick buildings and a small army of people trying desperately to assert their indidivuality while staring at their phones.  For a couple of days, I was happy to become one of them; walking quickly, taking chances at crosswalks, always on a mission, always with a goal in mind.  New York is the perfect city to travel to and travel from, and so many people are, a city of constant transients.  Other people smarter than I am have remarked on how the real story of the 21st century is the division of the world into two parts: the urban and the rural.  We live now in a world where a person in New York City has more in common with someone from Moscow than they do with someone from rural Oklahoma.  And nowhere is that collection of interconnected global centers more obvious than in Manhattan, where you hear languages other than English more frequently than English itself, and where everyone looks like they just came from somewhere else, and might be headed back there soon.  And of course I'm no different.  

One thing that was oddly coincidental was that my company's office turned out to be just a few blocks from where I used to live in Manhattan.  That's not a total shock; many of my coworkers shared that old Manhattan company with me, with offices nearby, and we had chosen to live someplace near my work.  But still it was weird to walk around my old haunts.  I remembered a few things; a bodega we happened to wander into that I suddenly realized I'd been in 10 years ago.  Madison Square Park.  Oddly, though, I couldn't remember where I'd lived, nor could I really find it.  I think I might have found it, but I wasn't sure.  Which is weird considering I lived there!  It made me realize what an odd time that was in my life; everything was a total emotional blur, and I was embedded in my own worries about my divorce, my past and my future.  Of all the time in my life that was the "least Buddhist" part, where I was stuck in delusions about my relationships, my career, my existence.  And so it's interesting how little I can clearly remember.  The feelings and emotions, yes, but not the places or faces.  And if remembering is something you want - and I do - then it's yet another lesson that I'm on a better life path now.  Whatever the shortcomings of my life, I remember things, I live fully - at least I usually do.  I hope it's not another 10 years before I'm back.  Now that the block is cleared and I have a reason to go, I hope to go back.  I loved hanging out with my coworkers.  We played Dungeons & Dragons and ate pizza and drank beer and shared stories about Trump and got some work done, too, and it was generally just as magnificent as I thought it might be.  On the other hand, I had no nostalgia for the city itself.  I don't want to live there, which is nice to know and be sure about.  I'm clear that isn't what I want.  In fact, I'm starting to build a lot of clarity around what I do want.  Which is great.

I'll remember the delicious bagel I ate, the beautiful drive out the Belt Parkway to JFK, my boss' immaculately appointed Park Slope walk-up, the smell of Rafiqi's street meat wafting away from the cart, and playing Double Dragon with Bob at the new Barcade, not to mention the aforementioned D&D, and the tiny WeWork office and the fact that everyone (everyone!) wears black and the gum on the stairs in the Subway.  Ahh, New York.

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2017 - Day-Long Meditation

Yesterday I attended an all day meditation retreat.  The gentleman who runs them down in Encinitas, Larry Baker, just does this mostly out of the kindness of his heart.  He has a very nice house with exceptional grounds; gardens, trees, a kind of lush Southern California-style paradise.  The meditation he offers is a very modern style, rooted in ancient Buddhist traditions but definitely updated for a modern audience.  We walked slowly around the room, did some traditional breathing meditation, some loving kindness, we even did some eye contact work (making and keeping eye contact with another person while breathing).  All in all it was a really positive experience.  It may be a while before I can participate in a formal mediation like this again, but I’m definitely glad that I attended this.  Every time I do one of these, it’s like planting a sign post in my life that says “yes, I was here, I’ve come this far”.  I think there are big changes headed for me and my life, so it was good to take this “pause before the storm”, so to speak.

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2017 - Innocent Until Proven Guilty

Recently, I became curious about my credit rating.  I rarely use credit; I have one credit card with a low limit, and until recently I had a car loan, which I paid off.  So my credit rating has not typically been of much interest to me.  A while back, just as a fun exercise (because I heard you could), I requested a free report and scanned it briefly.  Not noticing anything too interesting, I tossed it.  No more thought.

In the real world, I am an excellent credit risk.  I have 2 Masters degrees in Engineering and I work, regularly, as a software engineer making 6 figures.  I have no debt; no car loan, no house payment.  I have had numerous loans in my life; credit cards, car loans, unsecured personal loans, and every single time I paid them off on time, or even early.  Every single time.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I discovered - as I'm sure you saw coming - that my credit rating is terrible.  Very low.  So low I could not get a mortgage.  So low I probably couldn't get a new credit card.  Scanning over the report is like looking at a shadow copy of myself, some alternative universe evil-Star-Trek version of me with a Snidely Whiplash moustache, plotting ways to get away with not paying my bills*.  And looking at that, I had a sudden spike of anger.  Not anger at the consequences, because right now there are none.  Not so much anger that it was wrong, or unfair, but rather this: the anger came because I was *misunderstood*.  The anger came because that person they painted a picture of *isn't me*.  I wanted to say "wait a minute, you don't understand".  But there wasn't anyone to talk to.  And I realized two things: one, this is how people with pre-existing conditions must feel when shopping for health insurance, and two, it is really, really important in life that we be innocent until proven guilty.  It is, arguably, the most important thing because really what "innocent until proven guilty" means is compassion.  It means kindness.  It means unconditional love and non-judgment.

My credit rating fiasco is minor.  It will get resolved.  But for some people, their personal credit rating fiascos, or health insurance fiascos, aren't so simple.  We as a society have to choose: are we innocent?  Are we kind?  

*By the way: 5 years ago, i apparently made one late payment on a credit card.  Also, Wells Fargo erroneously has an open account for me from years ago with a <$1 balance.  And, somebody (who is lying) claims I owe them money.  And - this is my favorite part - my credit limit on my credit card is too low (!).  I should apparently have a higher credit limit (why I'm not sure).  Apparently those 4 things are enough to give me the credit rating of a bankrupt man.

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2017 - Obamacare

So, my brother wrote an interesting post today which, if you haven't read it - and if you're a friend of his - you should go and check out.  It's well written because, duh, my brother is a professional writer, and puts a human face on something I've thought a lot about, which is how involved to be politically.  My brother, as he will be the first to tell you, is a very non-political person.  His general - and quite rational - feeling is that politics generally isn't helpful and usually, especially in the short term, just makes people upset.  Which is something that resonates with me.  It's true - politics comes up and everyone loses their minds.  I'm a bit more political than my brother, political enough to post random memes on Facebook.  I've even turned up to a rally or two.  But, especially as I get older, I've come round to his way of thinking.  Getting involved with politics is a sure way to get pushed off my balance.  And so, the temptation is to just avoid politics.  To avoid getting involved.

But the universe has a funny way of not letting you taking the easy way out, and in this case, what got pushed in my face - pushed in my whole family's face - is my brother's cancer and, specifically, its relationship to the Affordable Care Act.  For the back story you should just read my brother's post, but the gist of it is that at 37 years old and otherwise healthy, my brother suddenly found himself without healthcare and with cancer.

So the first thing to understand about the United States, for anybody that doesn't live here, is that we have some of the best care in the world, and also the most expensive.  You can't afford to pay for the fight against cancer on your own unless you are very, very wealthy, and possibly not even then.  It is an exaggeration to say that my brother would not have been able to afford his healthcare without some kind of insurance, but it's not a big exaggeration.  He certainly wouldn't have been able to afford it on his own; my parents would have had to step in.

It's also important to understand that there are lots of reasons why a person might not have healthcare that are not "being irresponsible" or "not being able to afford it".  Certainly those are two big and valid reasons, but as somebody who has gone through periods of not having healthcare myself, I can attest that the healthcare system in this country lets a lot of people through the cracks.  I worked a crazy schedule of different startups and other companies with varying sets of HR policies, various approaches to healthcare, and also various approaches to whether I could continue working for them (that's a joke by the way).  A patchwork of crazy quilt healthcare services from the city of San Francisco and even the state - not to mention COBRA - theoretically covered me during most of that time, but in practice, at any given time I'm not sure I could have even told you if I had insurance, much less which kind I had or what the terms were.

So here, then, we have my brother, who is 37, white, rich (by most standards), healthy, and generally lucky.  And yet - at least before Obamacare - screwed.  And through no fault of his own, I might add.  He didn't get cancer from smoking, or living on a radioactive Simpsons-esque sewer pipe.  He just got it because that's life.  Rays from space.

So while it is not completely true to say that "liberal politics" saved my brother's life, it is also not that much of an exaggeration.

Now, faced with that reality, there is a choice to make.  One choice is to just sit, hands in prayer mudra, and namaste with the Universe, in the hopes that whatever great power is guiding our existence has our best interests at heart, or at least a good sense of humor.  Another choice is to get involved, but for all the wrong reasons - out of anger that the other side is killing sick people, or just a fetishistic desire to tell people what to do or control things.  But a third choice is to take the path of maximum compassion, and if and when that path intersects with the path of politics, to get involved to the level needed and commensurate with the calling to do so.

I am grateful that people - myself and others - got involved enough with politics to eventually cause President Obama to be elected and, eventually, the Affordable Care Act to be passed.  That work, and that involvement, may have quite literally saved my brother's life, and that's something that's too important to me to just brush off as inconsequential.  That is real, and that has meaning.  So at the very least, it's time to pay that forward, and do the work today so that future brothers and sisters and sons and daughters and fathers and mothers get to cure *their* cancers, and the world can be a more compassionate place.

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2017 - UC Irvine ESports Arena

The day before yesterday, I drove up to Irvine to go to a tech Meetup held at the University of California at Irvine’s new eSports Arena.  I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect.  I’d been to several LAN centers and the like, including one here in San Diego.  Generally they are relics of a bygone era; kind of like internet cafes trying to hold on by offering gaming.  Some are better than others, and you do find some there are still in active use.  But the facility at UCI is on another level.  It has the professionalism that you would expect from a major research institution.  First, the physical facility is excellent; clean, organized and functional.  On the day I visited, all the equipment looked new and was all in working order; a collection of modern-looking gaming seats all arranged next to gleaming monitors and identical PCs.  And the place was full, and vibrant.

Now, you may ask, what is an eSports Arena?  Well, the idea is to build an arena for eSports that rivals those you would find for, well, regular sports.  It’s a combination practice space, broadcast booth and green room all in one, suitable for e-athletes-in-training.  The fact that it has the backing of a full four-year research university really kicks the authenticity and legitimacy up a notch; there were jerseys for the players, scholarships (yes, scholarships) for the team members, and a regular schedule of competition against other universities.  It’s a clear sign that eSports has, if not fully arrived, then at least advertised that it’s coming.

A few interesting things I noticed from my trip:

- As a 40-year-old man, I can’t help but think that, if eSports is going to be a thing, one of the things that needs to happen is Weekend Warrior eSports.  That is, people like to watch sports that they like to play, but we can’t all be professionals.  But we want to feel like professionals, with referees, prizes, arenas, etc.  eSports is fundamentally a social experience and I, for one, would like to be able to sign up for leagues and go in person to play games against other folks, who have been sorted by age or ability level to where I can hope to compete.  Somebody get on this.

- I don’t mean to be racist, but I can’t help but point out that almost every single student I saw playing and competing there was Asian and male.  Over 90% of them.  I’ll leave it to others to sort out the socioeconomic implications of that, but I don’t think eSports can fully arrive until it broadens its focus.

- They allow the public to come in and play, but there is a (fairly standard for this sort of place) $4/hour charge.  I don’t know if that’s waived for students.  I could see myself going and playing at a facility like this, but there has to be more to justify my $4/hour.  Events, competitions, things organized around people in my age/ability level (see above).  Otherwise I’ll just play at home.

- As a research facility, one of the cool things about the UCI eSports Arena is that they are actually getting involved with research.  The director of the center spoke, and he talked about projects ranging from the effect Minecraft can have on Alzheimer’s all the way up to projects about the socioeconomic impact of gaming.

All in all, it was a productive and entertaining glimpse of the future.

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2017 - Top Ten

Only a month until my ride, and I could use your help!  Actually, not so much me, as people with Multiple Sclerosis.  So, I present to you:

Top Ten Reasons To Donate To My Ride:

1) Multiple Sclerosis is a terrible disease that robs people - vibrant, active people - of their ability to move and sometimes even their life.  2.5 million people worldwide have MS.

2) Modern medical science is actually getting closer to a cure.  Unlike some diseases, this is one we can actually hold up hope of someday beating.  Much like AIDS, the "cure" may actually turn out to be a set of therapies that restore life and prevent the worsening of the symptoms. https://www.fda.gov/newsevents/newsroom/pressannouncements/ucm549325.htm

3) Your donation actually helps!  Over 50% of the donated funds go directly to places that help house MS patients, help them with everyday tasks, and promote research. (The rest goes to housing and administrative expenses, like keeping the chase van running; we spend about $35 a day on everything together, which is not very much when you think about it.)

4) Long-distance cycling brings people together.  It's a great way to not only get some outdoor time, but meet people all across the country from many different kind of communities.  Last year over 3,000 people rode the Trans America - the most popular trail in the US - alone.

5) Did I mention that I run this awesome blog?  I also have a cool geographical view of it, at http://www.adamhunter.net/blog_posts.html.  When I'm riding, I post everyday about what I'm experiencing, including lots of great pictures.

6) Your donation is, of course, tax deductible!

7) The Bike The US For MS organization is a small, grass-roots group formed by some really awesome folks who are doing great work and can use your help.  Unlike a larger charity, you can know that your donation is going directly to support my friends like Kaylyn and Cassie as they work towards a cure.

8) If you have a cause you support and believe in, let me know and I'll make a donation in return!  A rising tide lifts all ships.

9) If you donate, I'll stop bugging you.  :)

10) And the best reason of all - donating feels good!  It's not just a nice thing to say, either - science shows that when you think about and do good things for others, you become a happier person yourself!

Donate here:

http://biketheusforms.org/cyclists/detail.asp?cid=1125

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2017 - I Can't Garden But I Can Plant

A while back, I decided that I wanted to plant a vegetable garden.  This was a spectacularly ambitious thing for me to decide I wanted to do, considering that I kill literally every plant I ever touch.  But I went through some of the motions anyway, heading out to Walmart (of all places) and buying these little “easy gardener” pre-measured cups with seeds and plant food and finding a spot behind the house that looked like a good candidate.  I threw them in the ground, sprinkled some plant food on them for a few weeks, and promptly forgot about them.  There were a couple of cherry tomato plants, a broccoli plant (because I like broccoli), chili peppers, and some other stuff I can’t even remember because it all immediately died.  It’s been about 3 months now.  Most of them died; some of them didn’t even sprout.  One that did, though, was the broccoli plant.  A few weeks back I noticed it start to sprout.  Then it got bigger.  Then bigger.  Finally a big thing sprouted out of the top.  I was confused at first (I thought I’d planted cabbage; this should give you an idea of how good of a gardener I am).  But finally I realized - it’s broccoli!  A real broccoli thing, just like you’d find in a store.  I had every intention of actually cutting it off and eating it.  But of course, I didn’t get around to it.  A few more days passed, and this morning I left my house by the back door to head to my car, and what did I see, but a brilliant bouquet of flowers!  Color me stupid, but I had no idea that broccoli - the broccoli that you and I eat - is actually a big bunch of flowers!  Super pretty little yellow flowers.  Beautiful, really.

So, the lesson here is this: plant a bunch of stuff, even if you don’t think anything will happen.  A lot of times, it won’t.  But sometimes, it will, and you’ll find something unexpected.  And just when you least expect it, your broccoli will turn into a bouquet of flowers!

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2017 - Camp Pendleton

I am fascinated by Pacific Plaza.

Today I finally got around to doing something I wanted to do since I moved here to Oceanside.  I rode my bicycle up through Camp Pendleton.  Let me explain.  Camp Pendleton is a huge military - specifically, Marine Corps - base just north of where I live.  I really do mean just north, maybe 2 miles at most.  CP splits San Diego from the LA suburbs, basically.  And it is large; just the beachfront alone is probably 10-12 miles, at least, maybe more.  You would imagine that, as a Marine base, security would be pretty tight, and in general, you'd be right.  There are, presumably, some civilians that work on base, but you usually can't just stroll around in there.  One way that will get you onto the base is to ride up on a bicycle.  You have to "apply" in advance and show your ID, but basically they'll let you on to ride through the base.  The reason this is so is that CP goes all the way to the beach and then at least 10-15 miles inland, which means that if you're riding a bicycle up or down the coast, they basically have to let you through or you'd get stuck.  The only other way to get through the base for civilians is I-5, which bikes aren't allowed to ride on.  So they - somewhat begrudginly - let cyclists through.  Today I took advantage of this to ride up to San Clemente, about 55 miles round trip.  It was a beautiful ride through undisturbed countryside, but that isn't the interesting part.  The fascinating part, for me, is getting to see what a military base looks like from the inside.  And the funny part is that it looks oddly a lot like any other place in America.  Now, granted, they carefully route civilian cyclists through the least sensitive part of the base, of course.  But I rode past apartment complexes and houses that wouldn't have looked out of place in Oceanside.  There were little differences, of course.  Strange signage, odd displays.  A weird ad of sorts for Lincoln Military Housing.  The weirdest part of all, for me, was Pacific Plaza, which was basically just a strip mall.  It had a GameStop, a convenience store, a Panda Express, and a McDonalds.  All inside super top security, like some kind of weird parallel universe strip mall.  I wasn't actually allowed to stop at any of them, in theory; cyclists are supposed to basically just keep their heads down and bike through the base, and I'm not a fan of antagonizing the Marine Corps, so I did.  But as I rode through, I had so many questions:

Does the little fire department on the base use civilians or military firefighters?  Do they ever fight fires off the base?  What kind of fires happen on a military base?  (Isn't part of the point of the military to set things on fire sometimes?)
Can you work at the McDonalds on the base if you smoke pot?  'Coz a lot of McD employees look like they smoke some weed, in general.
If you get pulled over for speeding is it a federal crime?
Right up the street from one of the little apartment complexes was, I kid you not, a sign for tanks crossing.  So, when a tank crosses the street, do you wave to the guy driving it?
If somebody living on the base wants to have a party, how do they get the guests in?
Who lives in these houses, anyway?  The soldiers?  Their families?  Other people?
What if you have a car accident on the base?  
What if there's a video game I wanted to buy and only the GameStop on the base had it?  Could I go there and buy it?  I'm guessing not.  Would they just ship it to another GameStop?  Do the employees have to pass some kind of security check?  
What if you want to get your carpets cleaned?  Or your tree trimmed?  Or, you know, basically anything?
I saw this guy driving a really beat up old Dodge Charger, and he looked pretty scruffy.  You know, the kind of guy who would drive a beat up old Dodge Charger.  Was that guy a Marine?
Do they just, like, leave their house in the morning and drive over to some secret facility over the hill and practice - I don't know - dodging bombs?  Or killing people?
If I left the bicycle route by mistake (I'm sure as hell not doing it on purpose), how long would it take before I got killed by sniper fire?
 

So many questions.  

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2017 - My Brother

So, my brother has cancer.  I’ve known that for about a month now, but this is the first time he’s talked about it publicly, and I wanted him to control when people knew about it, of course.  I remember when I first heard about it.  I was sitting at my desk here in Oceanside, wrapped up in issues related to my job and other things, when I saw the email from my Dad.  To say it was unexpected is the biggest understatement ever; Jason is healthy and only 37.  It was weird; I entered this kind of trance.  I think people call it disassociation.  Remember that at the time we had no idea what was coming.  In a sense we still don’t of course, but we do know a lot more now.  But that word, “lymphoma”, I connected it right away with losing my brother forever.  I remember being shaky and feeling like I just didn’t know what to do with my hands.

Anyway, now we know more.  It’s a kind of lymphoma that - while still awful and definitely a big deal - likely won’t be fatal.  And in the process of dealing with it, a number of - surprisingly positive - things have floated to the surface.

First, I think the Universe is teaching me, once again, not to panic and indulge in anxiety.  Five years ago, if this had happened, I would have just absolutely freaked the fuck out (excuse my language).  I would’ve turned into a giant mess, and caused a problem for my brother, my parents, etc.  Oh - believe me - I was freaking out some on the inside.  And yes, I got a therapist.  But still - so much better.  Yoga and meditation work, kids.  They really work.

It’s weird how something like this can be hard for people that have to watch, not just those who have to go through it.  Of course that’s a silly thing to say: he has to go through awful chemo and surgery and all I have to do is get a little bit anxious.  But what he has that I don’t is a sense of agency.  There is, quite literally, nothing I can do about this, except just be cool and let the Universe sort it out.  Which is not my strong suit.  When I was a kid, I hated waiting for things, especially when I didn’t know what was happening.  One of the best modern inventions is that Google Maps thing that tells you how long you’ll be in a traffic jam.  So nice to at least know.  But here, I can’t know, and I can’t do; all I can do is sit.

It might sound like a cliche, but there’s also just that standard thing: you never know.  So you gotta live for today.  You gotta grab that brass ring.  The time to be happy is now, not later.

Overall, it’s hard not to see this as a good thing in some ways.  I got a therapist, I got some perspective, I feel like it brought our family somewhat closer together, and these are all good.  My brother is a very private person and it’s going to be challenging to do this because cancer is, in some ways, such a public thing.  But he will make it, and he’ll be even better on the other side.

So, good luck, J!

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2017 - The Bike Shop

I have been in a lot of bike shops.  Big shops, tiny shops.  Community-run shops.  Shops in the back of a Walmart.  Clean shops, pristine and glistening.  Filthy shops.  Shops with 100 year histories, shops that look like they opened last week.

I've rarely encountered bad shops.  A few, for sure.  Once I went into a shop in Coos Bay that I can only describe as mean spirited.  I've never been cheated in a bike shop though.  Never had anybody flat-out lie to me, or do shoddy work on purpose.

What I have found a lot of, however, is what I call the "Bike Shop Attitude".  And I find this interesting, not just as a comment on bike shops, but more of a comment on life in general.  The Bike Shop Attitude goes something like this: there is a right way to do things, and buddy, you are not it.  I should mention: I ride a "real world" bicycle.  It does not look like it came out of an advertisement.  It is filthy.  It is covered with stickers.  The derailleur on the back comes from a different brand than the cassette it's installed next to.  It's like wearing stripes with plaid.

Every hobby - in fact every human endeavour - has these unwritten rules.  You have to wear running shoes if you're going to go running.  You have to wear a wet suit to surf.  You need to have an XBox if you're a real video gamer.  Some hobbies go further than others.  You can spend a ton of money buying a triathlon suit, a triathlon watch.  But few hobbies are more "stuff-centric" than cycling.  Nobody loves being a gear snob more than cyclists.

But we all face this, all the time.  People who want to tell us that we can't or shouldn't, because we don't have the right thing, or we don't look the right way.  We can't dance unless we look like a dancer.  Or run if we don't look like a runner.  Just today I was told by a bike shop employee - who I think meant well - that there's no way I could ride my bicycle across the country "looking like that".  

Imagine my surprise when I told him I had already done so.  Twice.

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2017 - Burbank, CA - The Hollywood Sign

For years now, I've been trying to get to see the Hollywood Sign.  What's standing in my way, mostly, is that I really don't like Los Angeles, and generally I have no reason to go.  But yesterday I got a chance to hike up to the sign, and I did.  Pictures below since I know that's what you really come here for.  Some observations from hiking up there:

- The hike itself is gorgeous.  A beautiful steep hike that starts in a neighborhood but then opens up into some classic Southern California grassland and rocks.  Really nice.  About 6 miles round trip.

- The neighborhood really seems to have a love-hate relationship with the sign.  Maybe mostly hate.  There are signs everywhere telling you that you can't park or even drive or even look at the place.  The houses scream "don't mess with me".  Fancy tho.

- This is kind of random but on the hike up and back I passed a number of couples, all in about the 20-30 year old age range.  And every single time I passed them, the guy/man was engaged in some sort of nonstop lecture.  I guess "mansplaining" is a thing, and men like to talk.

- I think it says something about me that the most ecxiting part of the hike wasn't the sign, but rather the fox that jumped across the road about 15 feet in front of me.  She was cool; about 2 1/2 feet long, and just straight out of a Disney movie.  Too bad I wasn't faster with the camera.  Nature survives even in the urban setting.

- The sign is cool.

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2017 - Zelda

The last few days, I’ve been doing something I haven’t done for a long time - really getting into an playing a video game.  Specifically, this new game called Zelda: Breath of the Wild.  Yes, they’re still making Zelda games.  This one has been getting some amazing reviews - a 97 score from Meteoritic, which puts it up there with the best of all time.  In particular, this game is what has been referred to as an “open world” game.  That is, unless like old video games where things happened one after another, in this game, the world really has been designed to feel like an actual world.  You can go anywhere you like (well, until you hit the end of the world), do anything you like.  There’s a story, yes, but in the meantime you can mess around chopping down trees, building fires, cooking, etc., etc.  Of course there’s programmed limits to the realism, but it’s one of those games where there are some moments where you really think “this is an actual place”.  And that’s why I think humanity is doomed.

Some of you know thatI work in Virtual reality.  The company I work for makes these game rooms; spaces you can inhabit and play board games in.  In a very limited but very visceral sense, these spaces feel real.  Of course you can’t touch anything, smell anything, taste anything.  But given how far we’ve come in just the last 10 years, I have no doubt all those things are on the horizon - if we want them bad enough.

Simultaneous with this new adventure in fake places, the real places have started to feel really unhelpful.  There’s been so much negativity in the real world lately.  After an encouraging period during which things like tolerance, meditation and yoga seemed to be picking up speed, we’ve hit some serious speed bumps.

And maybe I’m just feeling cynical today, but I hope we remember, as a species, that we have to fix this world we have.  We have to live in this real world.  There is no space planet we can colonize, and no virtual reality will save us.  We have to live with our fellow humans.  We have to touch, and love, and get out there and surf, and run, and have picnics, and enjoy this beautiful world.  And then, of course, we have to preserve it, and keep it nice for ourselves, for our kids, and for our neighbors.

Video games are great, but nothing beats the sound of real waves on a real shore.  No amount of programming can replace that.

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2017 - I Hate Arguing on Facebook

Recently, one of the themes of a lot of the teachers I’ve been working with has been to find things you enjoy doing, and things you don’t enjoy doing, and do more of the things you enjoy, and less of the things you don’t.  Sounds simple, right?  But so many of us don’t do it.  Maybe “enjoy doing” isn’t the right phrase, exactly; it’s more like “things where, after you do them, you feel more nourished”.  For example, in general when I exercise, I feel better about myself and the world.  So, more exercise.

And one of the things that I’m really realizing I do not enjoy, and do not find nourishing at all, is arguing with people on Facebook.  I just really don’t like it.  It makes me feel awful and it just never seems to lead to anything good.  I don’t mind putting up my opinions on Facebook, and in theory I’m all for public debate, but in practice it just seems to bring out the worst in people.  In the last week alone I’ve had words used around me like “bullshit” and “idiot”.  And these are from *friends*, people I theoretically know who are on my side.  I feel like a lot of the things people say to me, and about me, are things they would never say if we were just hanging out together in person.  And even when it’s somebody else’s post, when I see something that just seems wrong or hurtful, it hurts me and makes me feel bad, even if I ignore it and don’t respond.  Three times in the last week I’ve started writing something; some response or post, and then I just deleted it because it just makes me feel bad to even get involved.  I hate retreating from the world, but I just feel like something about the Facebook paradigm really makes it hard to have any kind of meaningful conversation.  People are so *angry* these days, and even when I agree with them, the anger itself is so overwhelmingly negative that it just makes me feel tired and awful.  I’ve read several articles recently directly correlating Facebook time with depression and anger, and I feel like this is one of the reasons.  I don’t really know how to fix it, and maybe I don’t care.  The solution is easy: time to take a break and enjoy the ocean.

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2017 - Oceanside, CA

I realized the other day that of all my blog posts, I haven’t really done one about Oceanside, this town I’ve lived in for the last 4 or 5 months.  I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here; once the bike ride starts, I’m putting my stuff in storage and I don’t know quite where I’ll end up after that; even if I come back to this area, I probably will head down towards Carlsbad or Encinitas.  Which is not to say that I *don’t* like Oceanside.  Oceanside is hard to pin down, and I think that’s been a lesson in and of itself.  It doesn’t fit into nice categories.  When you think about San Diego, for example, you think about sunshine and beaches.  Oceanside has some of that, of course, but actually until lately the weather has been kind of terrible and grey.  And the beach, which is where I’m sitting as I type this, is kind of rocky and unsubstantial.  Again, it sounds like I hate it, which isn’t true; I like it.  But it doesn’t line up with anything.  But then, I think most places are like that.  It isn’t rich, it isn’t poor.  It is just this mix of things.  Places can be like that.  People can be like that.  The world doesn’t line up in neat little rows.  This is a beautiful spot right here, the closest beach to my little house, with the two drainage pipes and the pile of rocks.  There isn’t any sand because the tide is high, so the waves drag back across the rocks with a really pleasant rolling sound.  Several guys are out trying to surf, but they don’t seem to be having much luck.  I’m not sure the waves are big enough.  I haven’t actually spent a ton of time here; I’ve been traveling, and also driving back and forth to Las Vegas, where I had started a relationship with someone.  And the whole time, I’ve been working remotely.  I have a nice big desk in my tiny house, framed with old wood paneling from the 1960s.  I have a tiny gas stove.  Up the street is a 7-11.  The whole place pretty much shuts down at night.  In the town center they are clearly trying to gentrify the area; there’s some very expensive apartments and condos and hotels and a few fancy restaurants.  I could see spending a nice vacation here, if you’re into that.  There’s a high end bouldering gym up the street that I joined but never go to.  I can’t get a handle on who Oceanside people are, and maybe that’s because it’s really a transition area.  To the north is Camp Pendleton, and I think this area until recently wasn’t much to look at, just housing for the military.  But as you go south there are some very expensive areas.  Encinitas is fancy and spiritual, the opposite of Camp Pendleton and the marines.  So Oceanside lives between worlds.  It seems like a tiny place, but I found out at one point that there’s actually over 100,000 people here.  And most people in the US live in places like this.  Not the big cities but the smaller cities off to the side of those big cities.  What I’ll remember about Oceanside is my tiny electric heater because I thought it would be warm but it wasn’t.  The weird indian guys at the 7-11.  Working long nights at my wooden desk from Ikea.  Images of the park a few miles away where I’ve been running.  Jogging on the beach and having a couple take a selfie of me.  A sort of hibernation.  I gained 20 pounds here, not on purpose of course.  It’s funny because I thought San Diego would be this place where I would really expand on my athletic side; become a triathlete.  Sit on the beach.  It didn’t work out that way, but I have a no regrets.  Oceanside is just a place.  What I bring to it is my own work.  I don’t think I belong here, but that’s OK.  I don’t have to.

 

I am simply going to lay here
Until I no longer want to lay here
It’s OK; I’ve done enough.  I earned it.
Without my rest, then there is nothing left to rest for
When once turns twice and thrice and space is filled
Then what is left?  Are we to say that life is left unlived
With space unfilled?  And what of cluttered spaces then?
The sea, it knows, it fills itself with nothing, flows
From shore to shore with no more work then waves which never
Span the deep, and so shall I, with rocks between, love empty space
And places left unknown.

 

 

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2017 - metta

May I be happy
May I be peaceful
May I be free from suffering

May I be happy
May I be peaceful
May I be free from suffering

May I be happy
May I be peaceful
May I be free from suffering

May you be happy
May you be peaceful
May you be free from suffering

May you be happy
May you be peaceful
May you be free from suffering

May you be happy
May you be peaceful
May you be free from suffering

May I be happy
May I be peaceful
May I be free from suffering

May I be happy
May I be peaceful
May I be free from suffering

May I be happy
May I be peaceful
May I be free from suffering

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2017 - Would a Buddhist Bomb Syria?

Real life is tough.  As we get older, we realize the “Star Wars” truth; as Obi-Wan says to a young Luke, “Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.”  As I read about the United States bombing airfields in Syria this week, I felt a whole range of emotions.  Shock that it had happened.  Frustration that the situation in Syria is so awful.  Sadness for the people that might have gotten hurt.  Pride in my country for taking decisive action.  Disgust at myself for feeling proud of violence.  Vague annoyance at the voice that was disgusted with myself, because I’m often critical of myself.  Et cetera.

Perhaps a quick paragraph of context would be good, in case I (or anyone else) ends up reading this in the future.  It’s 2017, and there’s a really shitty civil war of sorts going on in Syria.  It’s totally one of the 1984-style “we have always been at war with Eurasia” kind of wars, where nobody can figure out what the hell is happening, who the good guys are, who’s winning, what we’re even fighting *about*, and yet somehow, in the meantime, children and civilians keep dying.  The whole thing is like a vortex of awfulness and sadness that would suck in any rational or caring person who tries to engage with it, until it seems like the only sane course of action is to ignore it entirely.  But then, this week, there was once again, right in our face, pictures of children, being gassed by their own government (or what passes for government).  So President Trump - a man I admire not at all - did what many are saying was “the right thing”, a “measured” response that involved sending 59 cruise missiles in to the airbase that ostensibly held the airplanes that carried out the attack.

There are so many ways to look at this, which makes it really a great “test case” for life.  Really, there are always many ways to look at *everything*, but in this case it’s so obvious how confusing and complex it is.

To be clear, I’m probably still against it.  I'm not a fan of situational ethics.  But...it does make you think.

The first response that many of you - and myself - would give to the question in the title is “of course not; a real Buddhist is a pacifist and would never condone violence of any kind.”  And I get that.  That make sense.  One of the fundamental tenets of Buddhism is the idea of self-determination, and the surest way to remove somebody’s sense of self-determination is to punch them in the face or hit them with a cruise missile.  Life cherishes life.  Hate cannot defeat hate.  All of this is true, and yet, in the moment, this simplistic “do no harm” philosophy didn’t seem to quite capture my feelings or nourish my soul.  It feels a bit like one of those easy ways out that seems so appealing when thinking philosophically about life, a sort of “one size fits all” solution.  I mean, what about the self-determination of those children?  Or of Syrians in general?

Then there’s also the “make yourself happy first; you’re not responsible for the lives of others” argument.  Again, that makes sense.  But does that mean that we just don’t care about the world, about other places, other people?  It doesn’t make me happy to see those people suffering.  I don’t like to watch kids getting gassed.  I’m not a monk, and I don’t want to just retreat from the world.

Then there are the cynics: we’re not really helping.  The whole situation was manufactured.  We didn’t even hit the right airplanes.  Now Russia might get mad.  Etc., etc.  Any of those things might be true, of course - or all of them - but philosophically I feel like they all miss the point.  Whether or not we did a bad job of our intended action, the question is: is the intent a good idea?

There’s the Ad Hominem attacks, too: Trump is a bad man, Trump did this, ergo it’s not the right thing to do.  But is it? Was it the right thing to do?  Did we mean well?  What does it mean, to mean well?

To be sure, it usually feels like war, and violence, are the wrong answer.  Personally, I’ve only been in two fights in my life, and that seems like just about the right number.  I will say, though, that in those two, very rare, instances, I have no regrets about throwing that punch.  It felt right at the time, and it still does, years later.  I would even say that I feel proud of what I did.  I wouldn’t be more proud if I turned tail; I’d feel like a coward.

The Baghvad Gita has been enormously important in my life, and it has an interesting perspective about this.  In the book, Arjun - the everyman hero - is given a really undesirable task by his god; he is supposed to kill all of his best friends.  He - understandably - recoils at this, and refuses to do it for a long time, and as a result, his god makes him suffer.  Finally he capitulates, and proceeds on towards his destiny.  Modern scholars interpret this in many ways, most typically as saying that we all have “sacred cows” in our hearts that we have to metaphorically “kill” in order to move past them.  But I wonder sometimes if that doesn’t whitewash the text.  The fact is, sometimes we have to do unpleasant things, because if we don’t, even more unpleasant things might happen.  We can pull away from that responsibility, but that doesn’t absolve us of our feelings.

Certainly war, and violence, is almost always wrong, and the venue of last resort.  Many poor decisions were made years ago - by us and by others - that led to this point.  But we are where we are, and it seems to me that engaging with what happened feels more true than pretending it didn’t happen.

What do you think?

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