One issue that has seen a lot of attention in recent years is stress; specifically, how bad it is for you. Now, I don’t think anyone has ever thought stress was *good* for you, but the last 10 years have brought increased awareness of just how bad it can be. A short list of issues might include headaches, lack of sleep, difficulty recovering from illness, and weight gain. So it’s no surprise that poor athletic performance might get added to that list. Now, of all the things that cortisol (the stress or “fight or flight” hormone) does to you, the one *good* thing it does is provide a short-term boost to certain kinds of athletic performance. That’s the fight or flight part; in theory, you can outrun a tiger, lift a car off your baby, that sort of thing. That’s why sometimes athletes “get up” for big games. But most of the effects of stress - even for athletes - are bad. Cortisol is like a payday loan; you borrow against your future athletic performance at a really high rate of interest. If and when you can’t pay back that “stress loan”, you can spiral further and further into an athletic performance deficit. Now, the good news is that exercise also is a good way of getting out the stress spiral. Exercise can “burn off” stress, enable better sleep, and just get your mind off things. So if you’re stressed, by all means keep exercising. But if your goal is peak athletic performance, managing your stress level has to be one of the tools in your toolbox, right next to nutrition and sleep. This is one of the reasons why choosing workouts you actually enjoy is important; we have enough stress in our lives, who needs it at the gym? Certainly I don’t. Over the last few days, I’ve had occasion to really notice stress and its impact on athletic performance in my own life. My job has been very stressful the last week or so as the result of a few bad decisions made by my coworkers, and that stress has started to spill over into the exercise studio. The other day I showed up for a spin class and I could barely even get through the set; my mind was elsewhere, and so was my body. I could almost *feel* the disconnect between my muscles, nerves and the intention centers of my brain. Again, exercise can help with this problem, but best not to have it in the first place. Of course, the issue is: how to avoid stress? Well, that’s a tough one, of course; living an intentional life, nutrition, sleep, meditation, all are good practices. I’ll have more to say about each of these topics later. For the moment, it suffices to add one more reason to avoid stress: your athletic performance.
Something I made reference to in my first post that I want to expand on a bit further is the concept of heart rate based training, sometimes referred to as heart rate training or heart rate interval training, although the last is slightly misleading because not all heart rate training is interval based. Put simply, heart rate based training is exactly what it sounds like: using your heart rate to control your training. People have been doing some flavor of heart rate based training for many years, but recently there has been a resurgence, because of cheap and popular wearable tech that can tell you your heart rate easily and quickly (and sometimes even accurately!). Sometimes people get a bit too hung up on the "heart rate" part. A better word for what we're doing might be "biofeedback training", because really it isn't the heart rate, it's the feedback loop based on concrete, observable biological behavior of the human body. Why is this important? Well, because the human brain is a really bad observer of our own biological processes. Yes, of course, we know when we're exercising, and we know when we are sweating or breathing hard. But that information is really inaccurate. Early forms of this kind of training used something called RPE, which is still popular with some trainers, and particularly in settings where monitoring equipment isn't available. RPE is just an acronym for Rated Perceived Exertion, which is a fancy way of saying "try to observe how hard you're working". Athletes assign themselves a number from 1 to 10. What does 1 mean? Well, that's left intentionally a bit vague because every body is different. 8 or 9 should be "short of breath". That kind of thing. Some people use the "sentence word syllable" method, where how hard you are working is measured by how much of an answer you can give if somebody asks you a question. All of these methods are trying to get at a core concept: detecting how hard your body is working, so that we can use that information to design a workout that meets certain needs. For example, if you want to build cardio capacity, intervals of certain lengths that push you into the "red zone" for certain amounts of time can do this. But to really get this kind of training right, the data should be accurate, and scales like RPE can only take us so far. What we want to know is how hard the body is working, and one of the best ways to tell that is to use heart rate. Heart rate is, of course, individual to some extent. Your age, gender, fitness level and genetic factors can tweak what's considered a "high heart rate". But this rate is fairly stable from day to day (although it can change slightly as you get in better shape), which makes it easy to measure your personal "resting" and "working really hard" heart rate, and then use those numbers to control your intervals. This is what Cycology and other studios like it do; they measure your rate (either by just guessing based on your age and gender, or by actually putting you through some tests) and use that to create "heart rate bands", such as green for 60-70% of max, or red for 90-100% of (safe) max heart rate. Then they design workouts around asking you to work hard enough (typically by adjusting resistance on the bike) to "hit the orange zone" or "stay in the green". That way, each person can get the individual workout that fits their body best. To do this, of course, we need heart rate monitoring equipment, some wireless tech and a bit of snazzy setup; but in the last few years, this has become accessible and popular enough that you can ask folks to wear these heart rate monitors (or, like me, bring their own) and they will do it.
There are two main types of heart rate monitor and I've used both. The first, and most accurate, is worn around the chest and detects electrical impulses from the heart. They have been around forever, and they can be very accurate when worn correctly. Problem is, they often aren't worn correctly, and for some people (like me) they just feel really uncomfortable. So, the second kind which is growing in popularity is wrist-mounted sensors. These have many advantages; they are small, easy to use and comfy. And the best ones, when worn correctly, are fairly accurate. But they have a tendency to "drop out". They rely on comparing the color of your skin as blood flows past (yes! really!) , and sometimes they just sorta don't catch up for a bit. Even at the best of times, they have some lag, because the software has built in error correction which uses consecutive measurements to try to soften the data. So, for now, if you want the best, you gotta stick with the chest.
I find heart rate based training enormously useful for myself. Often, I will think I am "working harder", but a quick glance at my wrist will tell me I'm just fooling myself. And usually, when I use this data to do a deeper self-check, I realize that I was just engaging in wishful thinking. The heart rate monitor "keeps me honest". if you will, and that is often the difference between a great workout and a mediocre one.
Hi! So with the cycling season winding to a close, I'd like to re-purpose this blog around one of my passions, the passion that I'm choosing to focus on at this point in my life, which is fitness. Now, fitness can be a scary topic but I'm not going to write about anything scary. This is just my personal journey through fitness mixed with a bit of humor and sarcasm. I'm going to try to highlight resources that help me along the journey. During this first phase, I'm going to be focusing on weight loss. During the cycling season I actually put on a good bit of weight. That may seem odd since I was doing so much biking, but we'll get into that topic later.
Today what I want to focus on is one of my favorite new spots, my cycling studio, Cycology Fitness. Cycology is a dedicated spinning studio. I love cycling, and I think it's a great way to get in shape, especially if you're trying to build cardio capacity and/or lose weight, because it's so low impact. A spin class is an interesting thing, and I may write a whole blog post about that. It may seem like you just get on a bike and ride, but I can tell you that isn't the case. There's nothing wrong with just getting on a bike and riding of course, and if you are starting from fitness square one, by all means! For me, I wanted a bit more training/coaching/rigor, and I found it here. They use the Performance IQ system, which is a heart-rate-based training method (I may also write a blog entry about that!) where you can see your performance up on a big screen in front, tracked through heart rate sensing equipment on your body. It's a great atmosphere and the owners, Jana and Johnny, do a great job with keeping the place clean and professional. They teach a lot of the classes themselves but their other instructors are awesome as well. Some of the keys are music selection, intensity of emotion, and a sense of professional training - which means a guided experience where you move through the bands of heart rate intensity in a guided way. I know it's helped me a lot, especially with building capacity, and I couldn't have even gotten as far as I have without them!
Over the last four days, I went on a mini-adventure with my Bike the US for MS crew, and this blog post will suffice to cover all four days. Well, five, really, if you count the first travel day, which is where we'll start. But before that, I want to hit the big takeaways. One of the great things about these bike rides is that I feel that I always learn something about myself, reflected in the ride. And this time, there were two clear messages: one subtle, one profound. The first is more prosaic: nutrition is really important. Well, duh! You say, but this is something new for me. Over the last month, in an effort to lose weight, I have been careful about what I put in my body. Over the last 4 days, I threw caution to the wind. Many who look at our rides think we must be athletes, but the truth is more complex than that; in many ways our rides are like a rolling party, a celebration of life and of movement, and as with any good party, there is food. Tons and tons of food. Red velvet cupcakes, ice cream, sandwiches, beer, trail mix all went into my face, not to mention cookies and brownies and god knows what else. And you know what? I could tell immediately; fatigue, irritability. Yes, food is fun, but it's time for a new approach to food.
The second conclusion was more profound and I'll have more to say about it later but the simple version is that it's (finally) time to pursue my dreams. Like I said, more later, but the first step of that dream is a personal dream, which is just to get in really good shape. So that's what I'll be making a priority for a while.
On to more of chronological approach: Saturday, I rode my bike from Encinitas down to San Diego 35 miles to take Amtrak up to Santa Barbara. What a disaster! First I was denied boarding, for no good reason, by a cranky Amtrak conductor who seemingly just didn't like cyclists. Then, after waiting 2 1/2 hours for a new train, that train had mechanical failure and was 3 hours late. So my afternoon arrival turned into riding in the dark. The team was at the "ant church" and had been dealing with an ant infestation. I slept well, and next day was 100 miles. Four miles into my 259 mile trip, I got in a wreck! Unbelievable. Just hit a speed bump the wrong way. So for the next 200 miles I couldn't shift because I broke my shifter. When life throws you lemons, etc. Then 90, then 65, then 35. All of it was great fun. I hung out with the old crew; Kaylyn, Kurt, Amanda, Matt. Some some new/old faces like Nick. Slept on suburban floors. Learned that I don't enjoy sleeping in my car as much as a tent (you can't keep the bugs out without turning it into a hothouse). Ate McDonalds. Oh! And I got to show Cassie and some of the rest of the team the Bike The US for MS App I've been working on, and they really liked it, so I'll be spending more time on that. All in all a great short trip and now it's on to my next adventure, which will be less travel-oriented but no less fun!
From the Ocean Beach Hotel in downtown San Diego, signing off for now!
trying not to be annoyed and enjoy the old station
train sunset
matt riding into the sunrise
beautiful Coast
aftermath of the wreck
"Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." -- MLK
(Full quote below)
I tell you that I love.
You say that I should hate Brietbart, and Steve Bannon, and Fox News. I tell you that I love.
You say that I should hate Trump. I tell you that I love.
You say that I should hate Nazis. I tell you that I love.
You say that I should hate myself, because I don't hate enough. I tell you that I love.
You say that I should hate what my weak lack of hatred has created; that my inability to hate is what normalizes the other haters. I tell you that I love.
You scream, and foam at the mouth, and drive me ever harder to hate, and hate more. You cajole, and suggest. You pull out all your logic and knowledge in defense of hate. I tell you that I love.
Now it is me that you hate. Now you want me to hate you back. I tell you that I love.
I love you. I love me. I love Breitbart. I even love "Nazis", because I know that each Nazi is actually just a human. I do not love Nazis more than I love the people they hurt. I love them all equally, which is to say infinitely. I love those who call me naive. I love immigrants, and African-Americans, and American-Americans. I love those who call me friend. I love those who call me a racist because I don't hate the right people at the right time. I love those who say my love is just a privilege; that if I truly understood how awful the world is, I would not love. I love my parents and I love my neighbors. I love and love and love.
The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Today I ran a half ironman.Here are my favorite moments/thoughts, for posterity:
That time when you get passed by an 11 year old girl
To the guy who put leaflets under my windshield wipers: thanks for making me get back out of my car after I got in it. Being in pain definitely helped me decide how I felt about your product
That time when you feel like you must've been dead last and then you get your food, hang out, call your parents, chat, get in the car to leave and realize some people are still running
Why didn't somebody tell me to get a belt to hold the bib number. I put it on my shirt like a big dumb marathon runner and then roasted all day. Pro tip: bib belt
Dear people on the side: I love your enthusiasm but it's a loop course. I am not "almost done"
When the guy who finished next to you tells you he ran a full ironman once and it took 16 1/2 hours
Wet suits still feel like cheating
Here's another pro tip: when leaving in the morning, get 20 minutes up the road before you realize you forgot your bike. Literally the largest and most obvious piece of equipment
Dear people not running the triathlon: do not assume the people running the triathlon have any motor skills at all. I.e. If someone is running/trotting/dying towards you, do not assume they will deftly maneuver around you. They will not.
When choosing a triathlon destination, you could do worse than somewhere where the weather is perfect all the time
I don't want to run one again, but ask me again next month
My totally awesome coworker and his wife are putting me up in their suburban home (below is what I showed up to when I walked into their guest room!) but I wanted to get on my bike so I ended up at a spin class. Let me first say that I enjoy spin class. Sometimes it's nice to cycle indoors. But there really is no comparison. Yesterday I went to a spin class at my local gym. I had fun, I sweat a lot, but there was no spiritual conversion. First, in real life nobody stands up on their pedals unless they are really trying to push up a hill or just want to mix it up. I hardly ever stand on pedals, and I certainly don't float up and down off of them like one of those drinking birds. And there rarely is any Mariah Carey playing. And the wind in your face keeps you dry so you don't just sit in a puddle of your own sweat. Nobody yells at you to keep up the pace. The scenery changes. The pace is much more your own; you take occasional breaks. Sometimes you go hard. Sometimes you don't. Outdoor cycling, to me, is real life, a connection with nature.
Oh, and pet peeve: when you up a hill, you increase your cadence. Going hard doesn't mean slowing down your legs; it's quite the opposite in fact!
Today the theme for my life was perspective. There is a strip of pavement, about 40 miles, from Bremerton, WA to Shelton, WA. I've ridden it 3 times now (a little more actually). The pavement itself didn't ever change, of course. The curves and turns and hills and trees and lake are all the same. But each of the three trips couldn't possibly have been more different. A year ago today, I rode that route as the sweep and route leader for last year's Pacific Coast trip. It was a really difficult day. I was on my bike until 6:30 PM and had arguably the most trying personal interactions I've ever had. There was so much negativity because of the attitudes of a few of my riders and just some bad luck that resulted in people getting very lost. Today, I rode it as just a rider. And yes, a few people got mildly lost. But everyone was smiling and laughing and everyone had a great time. I got in by 2 and the last rider came in by4. Then, I rode it back on my own and hammered to catch the 6:45 ferry - and did! I did 40+ miles in 2:18 and it felt so great! Such an accomplishment for me! So that pavement never changed but the story I brought to it, and others contributed to, was so very different. Of course, I knew already that everything in life is about how we look at it - but what an obvious example!
It was so so awesome to ride with Jeff and Eddie and Matt and mike. The best part is watching cool people I know who don't know each other get to meet and build even tighter webs of community. And it was an amazing ride!! I miss everyone already but will see them in just a couple weeks.
It seems like a million years ago but actually it was only yesterday. I rode with the team about 40 miles back to Seattle. One rest stop at an AM-PM, a few scary interactions with some narrow suburban roads, and then we were there. First we met up with some old friends like Mike Platania and Mike Swan, then the final 7 miles (with them on crappy rental city bikes) until the tire dip in the water. I submerged in the cold salty water, took a bunch of pictures, then we headed over to the hotel where there was free food and drinks. The whole weekend has been just a celebration of who I have become and what we're here to do. Another 60k was donated to the Swedish MS center. Don (the founder) had a friend come speak, and he told everyone what was on my mind. He spoke about how the cycling had impacted him, and also about the community that we had created. But then he said something more profound, which is that of all the impact the organization had on him, the most deep was that now his bar for what “crazy” was had shifted. That is, the things he might have previously thought were beyond him now felt achievable. Indeed, he dared to think they were possible, and as we all know, that is the hardest thing of all - to think you deserve it, that you deserve happiness and that you can accomplish your goals. Just daring to try gets you halfway there.
There are more things to say about the rest of the weekend. And don’t worry, I didn’t forget about the time in between. But tomorrow, it’s time to do amazing things again.
I apologize, blog fans, for not keeping everything up to date in the last 2 weeks. It certainly is not the case that nothing happened during that time; I will definitely post more about what went on during that time. But I just didn't get around to updating the blog. I realize now that I need the structure of the bike rides to keep up to date with the blogging. I think that at some level I feel that my life when I'm not on the bike is not interesting enough to be worth blogging about, which is a thought that might be worth pursuing at some point. But anyway, on to the blogging. Yesterday I did, in fact, get on a Bolt Bus from Portland to Seattle at 6:30 in the morning, get off the bus, hit up the flagship REI, get some work done there, and then - loading everything I have with me on to my bike - ride 37 miles to Snohomish, WA so I could hang out with the best group of people I know, my Northern Tier team. It was very challenging and gives me new respect for those who ride fully loaded. It was a fun challenge, though, and there was a great bike path and the weather was beautiful and so I arrived, soaked with sweat, at the laundromat where my friends sat, still a bit incredulous I think that I had actually ridden all that way just to hang out at a laundromat with them. But it was totally worth it. I met some new folks who had joined them in the interim, and slept beautifully, out under the stars one more time. There were drinks had, and then there was the Bike the US For MS tradition: filling out the cards. Basically everybody gets an index card and we pass them around, with each person writing something anonymously on each card. For posterity's sake, here was my list:
- The Smartest Person I Know
- Most likely to utter words that you would least expect to hear. And it would be very entertaining.
- Strong rider
- most interesting person I've ever met :) in the best way possible
- BEST STORY TELLER
- You are loved
- IT Guy - Good Advice - Nice Guy
- Funny
- "Most likely to lose a bishop that doesn't exist" (this is because I was working on this Virtual Reality chess game that I showed some of them)
- "...or a straw that does"
- seemed very cool WISH YOU'D STAYED LONGER
- I loved your going away speech - still remember it (I gave this sobbing tearful going away speech, I think about how it's hard to make friends when you're older)
- So Glad To Have You Back To Roll In With Us (I'd left and come back to the ride)
- More life experience than you could ever imagine
- An amazing friend. I would not have made it to Seattle without your help
- Getting to know you was enjoyable. Settle down & relaax one of these years.
- Drinks in Buffalo! Keep doing you. (I'm guessing this is Brian who lives in Buffalo)
More about the other days later.
Yesterday I got to do something I'd wanted to do for a while, ride the loop road at Red Rock Canyon. It's approximately 16 miles total. The first 5-6 miles is a fairly steady 1000' climb, in the 105 degree Nevada heat. I met some nice people who wanted to chat about cycling, and another couple who offered me water. At one point I had so much sweat dripping in my eyes I thought I might have to quit, and then I remembered my MS bandanna! So I was so grateful to the folks from the Cleveland clinic once again for helping me even across all the miles. I stopped off at a couple of places I hadn't seen yet but didn't see anything too interesting, and then it was an 8-10 mile descent, out of the canyon and then along Route 159 back to my car. I'd forgotten to take my pass with me but they waved me on through, and about an hour and a half later I was back at my car. It was quite a nice ride, even in the heat.
Today was mostly driving, but one mildly interesting thing did happen today which is what I'm going to blog about; in stopping by LA I got to go to Umami Burger and eat an Impossible Burger. For those who don't know, Impossible is one of a handful of companies trying to break through to the next level of creating meat without having an actual dead animal. They claim to have broken the code of meat, by using a heck of a lot more science and being very meticulous about creating the actual constituent parts of meat, instead of just messing with grains to try and make something meat-esque. So, the big questions: Is it delicious? Yes, definitely. Does it taste like meat? Yeah, it does, actually. Would you be able to tell the difference in a blind taste test? Yeah, you would. It's the texture that gives it away. Don't get me wrong; it's close. It's a hell of a lot closer than anything else I've ever tried. But it still isn't quite right. It's a bit too soft and the strands are too, well, strand-y, for lack of a better word. I will say this, though: at some level, I felt as though I was having an actual meat experience. Like, not to be gross, but I totally had those satisfying cheeseburger burps a half hour later. It went really well with cheese and grilled onions on a bun. One of the secret ingredients is this thing called heme, and it really does feel a lot like blood; it runs into the lettuce and turns a sort of brown and it's satisfyingly fatty and salty and sorta, well, meat-y. It looks pretty good, too; not perfect, but close. It has kind of a potato-chip-y sorta feeling, not in a bad way but just in the way it browns up on the bottom. I definitely could see people getting into it if they can get the cost down. It's close enough to meat that I wouldn't miss actual meat, to be totally honest. I mean, I'm not a big meat guy per se, but what I am is a cheeseburger guy, and to make a good cheeseburger the meat is just one part, and this stuff is good enough to play the part. I'd like to see what it tastes like if you cook it up medium-rare, actually. And maybe salt it a bit more.
It's clearly a major step forward, that's for sure. Way way better than a veggie patty or some other junk. I'd eat it again, for sure, especially if it didn't cost $16.
The last two days of the festival were a ton of fun. I was sad to leave the group on the ride, but looking back over the whole experience, I feel clearly that I made the right choice. It's always nice when that happens and you don't have any regrets. The main point of the trip was to connect with my brother, and that was a total success. We laughed at Bananaphone, we tubed down the river over and over again, and I enjoyed myself. We took it pretty esay; we didn't exactly rage. One night we just went to sleep on a giant king sized bed out under the trees in the Grove. And we drank a lot of coffee and, to a lesser extent, a bunch of booze. The natural setting was really the star here; we camped ten feet from the river and could just get in and slowly float down next to a stage where DJs were spinning hits. From a *music* standpoint, I can't say I got too much out of it; the music was more of the ambient soundtrack for the weekend. The one band we made a point to go and see was Nombe, and they were really good - until they decided to play the same song four times for an encore (because they were shooting a music video)! Kind of a giant middle finger to the audience.
It was also fun to reconnect with Breckin.
So lots of good memories; I'm exhausted but it was worth it.
Oh, and there will be more pictures; my brother took a lot of them, and he uses this old-fashioned device called a "camera", so they have to get uploaded later.
I suppose now is as good a time as ever to launch into the killer blog post, the wall of text. First, though, the basics: Two days ago I left Carlsbad and drove up through LA, stopping off to see somebody briefly and then head up to San Francisco. It was a hell of a drive; there was traffic, there was a brush fire, and I ended up getting in at 1:30 AM and getting 5 quick hours of sleep before launching up to Northern Nights, a music festival, with my brother, which is where I spent most of yesterday. The point of the trip was to hang out with and bond with my brother, and on that score it's been a smashing success; it's good to see him, and the good news is that, all things considered, he looks good.
It's at times like these, when I have time to think, that it really comes home how important it is that all of us each take individual responsibility for figuring out how to make ourselves happy. It's my job - or maybe even my delight - to try to figure out, out of all the ways to pass this short time on this earth, what I personally want to do. And it doesn't matter what other people think; it's just my life.
The problem is, sometimes I don't know what I want to do. The good news is that I do have some clarity around certain things. I love to work out and be active. I love Bike the US for MS. I do want a relationship.
One of the challenges is that there are so many doors you can go through that are "almost good". There are lots of things that I enjoy doing, with the right company. Take the music festival I'm at this weekend, for example. I'm having a good time; it's fun. I like the trees, the river, the yoga, the company. I even like the music. But I don't feel 100% comfortable there. It isn't exactly "my thing". I'm not sure I could even tell you why. Maybe it's a bit too image and style-conscious (but I kinda like those things, so....who knows).
At times like this, I do tend to get so confused. Sometimes that confusion even leads to a place where I feel frustrated or cynical. But the only thing I can say is that the cynical moments don't outweigh the moments of joy. Sometimes all you can do is stop and say "Do I have regrets? Am I happier than I was before? Do I feel, deep in my heart, that I'm headed the right direction?" And the answers to all of those are "Yes". So onward we go; right now, back to the festival and my brother and the river, and then points forward. Onward.
Yesterday was a bit of a "filler day". I got caught up on a lot of things work and life-related, fascinating stuff like installing drivers and buying bandages for my elbow. The "breather time". I snuck in a trip to the gym to run my 6.5 miles and hit up the hot tub. Also had lunch with Geoff and John Malaska. Filler time is something I've always struggled with, just as I struggle with delayed gratification in general. It's so important though for life and happiness in general; one of my favorite studies is here: https://www.livescience.com/15821-cookie-test-control.html which talks about this. And Carlsbad is not a bad place to spend a couple of days while setting up for the totally awesome weekend I'm about to have with my brother and his friends. Did I mention I'm about to have a totally awesome weekend with my brother and his friends? Because, I am. Catch you on the flip side!
So as time starts to pass since I left the ride behind, there's more clarity that is coming and more that I feel like writing about. There are a few experiences and feelings that I've had since I left that are so striking that I really just can't help but write about them. The contrast between how I've felt since I left the trip and how I felt on the trip is just so stark. Now, I don't mean to exaggerate. The bike trips aren't perfect; it's not some kind of nirvana. Sometimes I'm cranky; sometimes other people are cranky. And nothing all that bad has happened since I left, particularly. And yet, for all that, the feeeling, the sensation is no less intense: there is a real difference in people. When I am in the Bike the US for MS world, in general, it's a positive place to be and interact with others. The people on the trip are intelligent, inquisitive, interested in me and in themselves. They tend to be understanding and gentle and kind. The people we meet along the way are grateful, intrigued. There is a lot of laughter, sharing, kindness. Yes, my clothes are dirty and there are mosquitoes and sometimes we have to eat Pop Tarts, but nobody cares because we are happy with each other.
In Real Life, there is just such a difference. To be fair, I rarely encounter behavior which I would describe as mean or evil. Rarely is anybody overtly unkind. Nobody steals my stuff or punches me in the face. But there is a lot of disinterest, mixed with a sort of unenlightened self-interest. People just seem caught up in their own worlds, barreling along, uninterested in the world around them, much less me. I've had some incidents where people I counted on to do something; something small or something big, just let me down. Again, not to be mean, but because they lacked their own time/conviction/desire to do the right thing.
The overall effect is that, when I'm on the bike trips, I feel *safe*. I don't mean physically safe; I mean emotionally safe. I feel like the people around me "have my back". I feel welcome, and wanted, and surrounded by love and kindness. It feels *really good*; like that's the way life should be *all the time*. But I don't know how to make my real life work that way. I don't, honestly, want to be on a bike 365 days a year, nor could I if I wanted to. I want to have a job and a house and a spouse and kids and a real life. But I still want that feeling of belonging, of emotional safety. Don't misunderstand; I'm grateful for what I have. I just yearn for more!! More true connection.
On a more prosaic note, I stayed tonight in a hostel here in LA's South Bay. I ran along the beach, which was beautiful. I headed out for 7.5 miles to match the team, but my hip is acting up (still from the accident) and I only made it 6 miles. So I used up 15 of my cycling miles. Headed back down to Carlsbad today.
As time passes, I do feel like I have some time to start thinking about the trip and what it means to me. First, though, today was a pretty good day of resting. I got my 7.1 miles in at the gym, got some errands run and some work done. Unfortunately, I chipped my tooth on a plastic fork :( and so I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. I'll be getting up super early and heading down to Carlsbad, hopefully I can make it through LA before the traffic gets too insane. Life is always an adventure with me I guess!
A few quick things about the trip: one of the things I really have learned is that it is so hard - but so important - to have people around you, people you can interact with regularly. I find being out on the road with folks so fun because I love bouncing ideas off of other people and just having random unscheduled encounters with all kinds of interesting people.
OK, more later: time to make a dental appointment!
I still feel like I don't have enough distance to think about the deeper philosophical ideas around the trip, so once again I'll just stick to the facts. I did wake up yesterday morning at the Lindvigs house in Bismarck, ND, pack up my bike in a box, do some light yard work, then get driven to the Bismarck airport, fly to Las Vegas, where I then put my bike together in the airport, loaded it up with 30+ pounds, rode 20 miles through the heat, got my car, rode back to the airport and picked up my duffel bag, and finally went shopping before collapsing in a bed in a beautiful suburban house. A few observations: first, it's amazing what people will tell you you can't do. My team gave me this amazing book about a man's trip around the world by bicycle in 1884, and one of the themes is that he regularly just thumbs his nose at people who say he can't do something. At the Vegas airport they told me there was no way I would get home in the heat with all those bags, but I did. So for everybody out there: people like to tell you you can't do things. Do what you want with that advice, but let me assure you: it almost always isn't true. Also, don't pay a bike shop to box up your bike. It's so easy to do.
Vegas is exactly the way I remember it: hot, dry, and maybe a little poor.
It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: I miss my team terribly. I miss the clarity of waking up with a purpose, and knowing you're doing good work. I miss having people around, the idle conversation between people with different backgrounds, different ages and genders and thoughts. I miss playing cards. I want to feel connected to my team and so I'm doing a few concrete things. One is continuing this blog, which I hope they read. And, of course, reading their blogs and posts with interest. I'm also going to follow the Tour de France. And, I've made arrangements to come up and visit them at the end and possibly even ride the last day. But something else seemed necessary; something reflecting their athletic accomplishment. I'm running a half ironman in mid-August and I have to start training for the running and swimming, so I'm going to try to keep up with the team by running. I'm going to cheat, though, because I don't have 6-9 hours a day to work out now, so I'm giving myself credit: 10 miles for every mile I run, 25 miles for every mile I swim. If I bike, I'll take 1/1 credit for that, too. So yesterday I rode 20 miles and they rested, so I banked 20 miles against today. Today they're doing 71 miles, so I'm going to try to run 7.1 miles and keep my 20 in reserve.
Can't wait to see everybody in Seattle, but before that, it's time to work!
There will be time later for a more philosophical post about the trip and about what this all means. But for now I just wanted to record the facts: that I did ride 75 miles from Napoleon to Bismarck, ND yesterday, to have dinner at a Mexican restaurant with 15 or so of my new friends, who did give me a new pair of socks, a card they all signed and a book about cycling, and I did basically choke up and almost cry like a baby. The riding itself was good; we had a bit of a tailwind for a while and it was some flats and rolling hills. We hit a really bad stretch of road around Moffitt, a chip seal stretch that made Matt have flashbacks to the Southern Tier and Texas in particular. Once again, these trips come through for me; I find myself in a much better place and mood now than I was when I started. I had less to gain or prove this time around; things were going well already and I felt good about life. Even still, it's been great. The family we're staying with here in Bismarck is incredibly kind and has an awesome house for this sort of thing with a downtown den with comfy couch and chair and plush carpet. I'm not overly impressed with North Dakota by and large; it's a bit too hot and muggy and just kind of uninspiring. But I do dearly love this house and the people in it.
Well, here we go, the home stretch. From a riding perspective, today was a *relatively* easy 100 miles long, almost exactly, from middle-of-nowhere to middle-of-nowhere. It reminded me vaguely of Utah or Nevada, except still more lush and prettier and greener. There were some small lakes that Fred says are called Potholes. We had lunch at a Tastee Freeze in the absolute middle of nowhere (Gackle, ND). I rode the first 30 miles with the pace line, then the next 30 mostly on my own, then the last 30 with Tony. I really like riding with Tony. Gonna miss that guy. I feel like I should have some profound thoughts, but at the moment all I can think is that I love doing this, and I am also ready to go home. And that I hate mosquitoes. What I'll miss most is the people, and the conversations. Riding a bicycle is so much more fun than doing just about anything else, but even better than that is making camp and grilling out and hanging out at the local bar that also serves ice cream and asking people - in a very serious voice - how to pronounce "Napoleon". North Dakota isn't one of my favorite states to bike through, but I'm still having an absolutely amazing time.
Oh, and Mike is probably a really cool Math teacher.
A few few other random thoughts: my new sleeping bag was the most clutch purchase ever. Clutch. My tent is actually pretty great for its size. Not all camp showers are created equal. No town is too small for a bar, or an insurance agency.
