Today was the first real day of riding. The riding itself was amazing, as always. I am surprised at how strong I feel, physically. There is one guy here - Mike - who clearly destroys me and everyone else, but other than him, I feel like one of the stronger riders. I guess all those trips up Mt Diablo kept me in pretty good shape.
The Blue Ridge parkway is beautiful. No question about it. Oh! I saw a bear today. i made a choice to ride out across a field of heather to visit a restaurant where I could buy some beer and a diet coke. The place itself was nice; the lady was really sassy and I overheard her saying to one of her long time patrons that the deal to finally sell the restaurant was about to go through, so that makes sense. Tasty turkey and bacon wrap. But anyway - I saw a bear! It wasn’t as big as I would have thought. Perhaps it was young. But it was definitely a bear, loping right across the road into the woods. It either didn’t see me or didn’t care.
I find my thoughts drifting in some strange directions and starting to coalesce around some new ideas. Continuing on with the theme of yesterday, I feel like different things are coming to mind. I still want to have some adventures, and I still want to find a fullfilling career. But the more I live, the more I dream about things like a stable relationship. I have been talking to one of my other friends Joe tonight about dogs, and getting my own dog. Most of the folks here - people I’ve known off and on for years - are in committed relationships, and many have dogs. Some of the older ones have kids. I am often struck, as I am in this setting, by how truly alone I am in the world, and it makes me sad, but it also crystallizes my thoughts around the idea that establishing friends and relationships has to be the most important thing.
I’ve seriously been considering canceling the Scotland leg of my trip. Part of that is because of all the COVID scares and nonsense and the idea that I might get trapped there. But also there’s started to be this creeping sense that maybe I don’t really want to go. I dream of settling down, and having strong relationships, not of having amazing adventures. I wonder what I’ve set myself up for with all this flying around and moving around. I wonder why I’m headed up to Bend when I know I like Oakland. Why don’t I just really invest in one place - make friends, invest in the friends I have, connect deeper with them. Yes, its true that a lot of people I meet in the Bay Area are not that great - but a couple of them are, and I could spend more time and invest in those people. Even the ones that aren’t perfect; especially the ones that aren’t perfect.
I am reasonably content with life. I miss Oakland. I miss my home. I miss my friends, and playing board games with Robin or talking about picking fruit trees with Nataly. Clearly being out here is fun, in a way, but maybe it’s not the kind of fun I’m looking for anymore.
